Imperfectly Perfect

Chapter 33 - Leaving everything behind

My life has become an utter mess. The pain of Niall's absence is unbearable and indescribable in words. The fact that he is gone forever and I won't be able to see him again still feels unacceptable.

Every single ounce of my body misses him. I don't feel like doing anything anymore other than just sit in one corner and cry. There is numbness everywhere around me and although I walk around my body is only lifeless from inside.

It's strange to think how I wished once that we never even met and probably hated him too.

It's a known truth that death is inevitable. Like everyone, I've also grown up accepting this fact. I saw people losing their loved ones and having a hard time coping with it. But, while I understood the pain I can only feel it in the true sense now.

It's not just painful, but brutal.

You know the person is gone, but you can't help but feel his presence around you. He was just there with you even a few days back, talking and laughing like everyone else. Now, he lies as a lifeless skeleton in the grave.

I sit around on my own, remembering our moments together – fights as well as love, and my heart rates race up with the desire to see him again. But, when I gear up to go talk to Niall at his apartment I'm hit with the truth that he is no more there and he won't ever come back as well. My body feels immensely fragile every time his face flashes before my eyes. His laughter still rings in my ears and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to tone them down.

It's harder to sleep at night because Niall creeps into my dreams as well. They say dreams make you happier, but mine does the opposite. I see us having a perfect life together, growing old in each other's arms. Our smiles make me smile in sleep as does our happy moments in the dream. But, when I wake up and realize it's only a dream my heart gets absolutely crushed. I close my eyes shut, attempting to rethink the dream and hold on to the pieces of it – the only way I feel Niall before me. Unfortunately, they slip away very fast and I'm forced to come back to reality where he is gone forever.

I'm sure that Niall's family and even Liam's are in the same situation. But, they didn't do the mistake of hoping against hope.

I did.

Now, I'm just picking up the pieces and putting them back together. My crushed heart cries over my shattered belief while the latter only apologizes deeply. They say where there is hope there is life, but I can't disagree more. Niall lost his life and with that I lost mine too.

On Saturday, when everyone was crying; initially I was still hoping that this is just a nightmare that will break soon. I kept hoping, still clinging to my belief until they put Niall's body inside the coffin. The sight of him dressed as the gentleman he was, eyes closed, and lips numb completely murdered my belief.

Ever since then, I can't stop crying. Be it in my apartment or theirs – I see and feel Niall everywhere. His clothes are still folded nicely in my wardrobe and they smell like him. His T-shirts that I wore in the last few days are still unwashed, having a mix smell of both him and I. The more I see them the more my heart longs to see him and be in his warm arms again.

Sometimes, when I look outside the window and into the sky I try to see Niall up there. As the clouds move, I imagine him moving along with them and looking at me. I wave my hand up and whisper his name, telling him how much I love him and will always continue doing that. But then, the next moment I feel is his hand resting on my shoulder. His heavy voice murmurs something in my ear that I don't understand.

But, as soon as I turn around, he is gone. I stretch my hands and look around, but he doesn't wait. I break down and fall down on the floor, but he still doesn't come. He is just gone.