Hate & Lust

Grow Up

I was convinced that if I kept trying to get someone's attention that they would realize I was awake but I just couldn't speak or move.
Then I got an idea. I could hold my breath and the heartbeat monitor should go really batshit crazy right?
I hold my breath and sure enough the thing starts beeping really loud and fast and I then I hear people all around me.
Before they put a defibrillator on me, I allowed my lungs to breath again.
"What the hell?" I hear a women say and then maybe it switches in one of their minds that I am awake and I'm responsive and then I feel someone put their hand in mine and their ear to my lips.
"Do something sweetie if you are awake." The doctor or nurse says to me.
I know I can't really move so I decide to try to start breathing faster so she can feel and hear my breath on her ear.
"Do that again please so we know for sure Hun." She says and I try again and then I feel her stand up straight.
"She is responsive." She says and I celebrate mentally.
My idea had worked.
***
The doctors tried their best to get my body to move without help and I actually had moved my right pointer finger but it felt like it would take me forever to get moving again.
They still had to tube feed me and it was really weird experiencing peeing and not moving to go pee in a bathroom with no mess. I was honestly afraid to pee because I thought it would go everywhere but it didn't.
I wasn't sure what time it was but when I heard the door open I heard Ali and Danny and Shayna, I was so happy.
"Hey baby girl." I hear Danny say and my heart feels happy.
"We know you can't talk but we know you can hear us. And as much as we love you, we want what's best for you." Shayna says and now I wait for Ali.
"Blaire, you can't live with us anymore. It's not healthy for you, obviously." Ali says and my heart sinks.
I want to fight what she's saying. I need these people, they're my friends, they understand me.
"Danny's helping your parents move your things back home in a couple days. We will miss you and we aren't leaving forever but because this happened, it's made all of us realize that we all need to get our shit together and start being adults. We're all almost thirty baby. We can't be doing this anymore. I'm sorry we had to learn this way but after Danny boy helps your parents he's going to rehab, Shayna is going to start being an abasador for trans kids and I'm... I'm moving to England." Ali says and I want to cry.
Everyone was leaving.
Although I can't move, a tear still escapes and I feel her thumb wipe the tear away before kissing me on the lips.
"You have to get better baby girl. We all do." I hear Danny say and then all of a sudden, a noise erupts from me and it's sad and scared.
"We're sorry. We're all so sorry that we let you go down that road Blaire." Shayna says and then I cry more and then I feel them all on my chest and they hug me.
"You're going to do great things Baby girl. We will be in touch." Danny says kissing my cheek before I assume he's the one to pull away first.
"I want you to come and see me soon when you're better. We love you gorgeous." Shayna says kissing my forehead and standing up herself.
"You'll see me in magazines with sexy men and women I promise you that sexy." Ali says with a laugh.
"Call me when you're ready." She finishes before standing up.
"We love you gorgeous girl." Danny says and then it's quiet again.