"What time is it?" I asked sitting up in my bed.
"About 10:30" a male voice spoke. I rubbed my eyes and met two green orbes surrounded by wrinkly skin.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I'm your doctor" he explained with a smile as if it was supposed to comfort me or make me feel less awkward about this encounter.
"Does that make you like the 25th?" I asked in annoyance. That was another trait I had acquired while being trapped in the walls of this hospital. I found myself bothered by ever nurse or doctor that walked into my room.
"Is that normally how you talk to someone that's trying to save your life?" He asked.
"You can't save my life" I scoffed, "I don't know if you've read my medical history, but I'm pretty sure incurable cancer means I'm fucked" I clipped.
"You know they say that whether people live or die has a lot to do with their mood towards life" he explained.
"Are you a psychologist as well ?" I asked.
"Nope" he replied as he flipped through a clip board of papers, "I've just dealt with a lot of patients"
"Why would you want a job like this anyways?" I asked suddenly curiously.
"Wouldn't you want a job where you can save someone's life?" He asked.
"Well what about the people you can't save" I asked.
"You're right" he agreed, "I can't save everyone as much as I wish I could. But what's the point in not giving it a try?" He asked. I didn't respond. One, because it was more of a rhetorical question and two, because i was done with the conversation.
He left shortly after as I sat laying in my bed, craving to do something at least somewhat entertaining. So I decided to go see what Edwin was up to.
//
"Where's Edwin?" I asked when I ran into Rachel.
"You don't know?" She asked.
"Know what?" I asked staring at her in confusion.
"He was transferred to the ICU" she started, "They didn't give us a lot of information though" she frowned.
"Is he gonna be okay?" I asked quickly.
"I don't know" she shrugged as she looked over her shoulder. After the encounter I wasn't feeling up to hanging out anymore, and started heading back to my room.
"Rachel" I shouted as I turned around. She stopped and turned to face me, waiting for me to continue, "If you hear anything about Edwin, will you let me know?" I asked.
"Of course" she smiled before she turned her back to me.
\\
The thing with Edwin was, even though I didn't know that much about him. Heck I didn't even know his last name. But he was someone that knew what it felt like to be in my position, and to me that made him just as important to me as Emily and Brett were.
Knowing he wasn't doing okay, that he was in pain, or potentially wasn't going to make it, broke me and angered me at the same time. Edwin was a good person, who didn't deserve a life that involved living in a hospital. He didn't deserve loosing his leg. He didn't deserve to go through that accident that left him blind. He didn't deserve to be diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. But yet he was dealing with it anyways. Everyone around him was dealing with it too. Rachel and Rebecca and Me. We were all dealing with it because we cared about him.
"Why are you cry-" Kyle started to ask when I got back to my room. I wasn't surprised to see him sitting on my bed. I had almost expected it.
"I'm dying" I snapped. He looked taken back and looked at the ground unsure of what to say, "Look at me" I said. He slowly brought his eyes to meet me.
"I'm dying okay" I said slowly and slightly calmer as I walked closer to him, "And you can't change that, you can't fix it, and you can't pray for a damn miracle because it's not going to happen" I started. "This" I explained gesturing between me and him, "Is pointless" i said with sadness lacing my words.
"But Bryn" He started.
"Can't you see i'm just gonna hurt you" I shouted, "Don't you realize that this relationship may only last months, and when i die, you're going to be so broken" My voice cracked. As it did i realized it was cracking because i was breaking. This cancer was changing me, and i knew it. It was making me confused and question everything. It made me wonder if it was worth it, to even attempt to live a normal life. I guess that's just the side effect of dying though right ?
I turned away from Kyle and looked at the vases lined against my window. Each one filled with flowers from family members who obviously weren't concerned enough to make a visit, but wanted to show they at least somewhat cared by sending flowers. I walked over to the one from one of my aunts on my moms side. I couldn't even match a face to her name. I picked it up carefully and just held it in my hands. Before I suddenly chucked it at the wall as hard as i could. It shattered into a million pieces and as it collided against the floor, I had already picked up the second one and watched as it ricashayed against the white bricks and fell in a scattered pile on the floor. I was about to pick up a third one but Kyle's arms picked it up out of my hands and set it back down on the window ledge before pulling me into his lab. He rubbed my back with one hand as the other held me close to his chest. I kept crying, covering his shirt with not only my tears, but my snot and makeup as well. It wasn't pretty, but it didn't matter. I wiped my nose with my hand and wiped it on the sleeve of my shirt. Before trying to wipe the tears away. My face felt puffy from crying and my eyes burned a little bit. The tears that were now pouring out my eyes were barely felt as i sat there sniffling in his arms.
"I'm good" I finally said pushing myself slightly away from him.
"No you're not" He replied honestly.
"I didn't want this" I whispered.
"I know" He started, "But god gave you this disease for some crazy reason and he believes that you are strong enough to fight it"
"It's incurable" I reminded him.
"That doesn't rule out miracles" He explained.
"There's a tumor of cancer in my brain, you do realize that eventually it's going to cloud my judgment, affect my memory, my speech, my motor function" I started, "I'm not going to be the same person i am right now"
"And?" He asked as if what i said held absolutely no importance. I felt a headache growing by the second from all the crying i was doing, and all the stress i was being put through.
"Stop fighting for me" I demanded with a sigh as I turned away from him.
"No" he replied sternly.
"Why?" I asked looking at him bewildered, "Why do you want me so bad?" I asked.
"Because i love you" He shouted as he pulled at some of his hair. My eyes slowly looked at his face as my heart began to pick up speed. Yet i couldn't have been more calm. Our eyes locked and i just looked into his eyes remembering every last detail of what it felt like to look at him.
