Doctor's Orders

64. Reflections

HARRY'S POV

Elloise Jansen. 

That spitfire of a woman came into my life, turned everything upside down, and left me reeling. Then she grabbed hold of my heart and never let go. From the moment I first saw her in the hospital corridor, I had a slight infatuation with her. She was pretty and confident, and when she started working at CMI, she dove right in and owned it. It didn't seem like she was afraid of anything, even me. And that intrigued me. 

To be honest, it also annoyed me. She was insufferably cheerful and always positive, which are good things in general, but in the ER, you have to have a bit of realism in your outlook as well. I admitted to her that I used to get on her case a lot, and it was partly because I wanted to have a reason to talk to her (yes, I know, I should have outgrown that in middle school). But it was also partly because I didn't want her to walk in and get too comfortable right away. In medicine, you always have to be on your toes, thinking of every detail, every possibility. 

I told Gemma about Elloise first, before my parents. It was a little embarrassing, being a 35-year-old man asking his sister for advice about a girl. But I didn't have very many close friends since my experience was that most people in my life had wanted to take advantage of me for one reason or another. And I knew that my view of relationships was probably twisted by all my fuck buddies in college, and then Logan who messed me up exponentially beyond that. 

Gemma was very protective at first and she warned me to keep my guard up. I could understand that, given my pathetic track record with women. Yes, my sister knew about my many indiscretions in college, too. After she learned about Ellie, she would often text me or call me, asking me question, like: 

Does she tell  you what to do?

Is she rude to patients?

Do Mom and Dad like her?

I hadn't known her long enough to introduce her to my parents, but then I thought of the perfect opportunity , the fundraiser for the new pediatric emergency room. It would be too weird to introduce her to my parents under any other circumstance, but this way, they could meet her and give me a read on her, and she would be none the wiser.

Or so I thought.

Still, that was the night I kissed her for the first time. It was unbelievable. At the risk of sounding like a total sap, I'd never had a kiss like that before. She was beautiful and sweet and shy, but the electricity between us was unmistakable. And what's even more sappy? I'm pretty sure that was the night I fell in love with her. 

From there, it was a crazy ride through the summer, getting to know her and her friends. It was strange because, for the first time in my life, it felt like I belonged. They accepted me and liked me, not as their superior, not as the brainy kid, but just as me, their friend and co-worker. Just Harry. 

The only regret I have is the confusion that happened with Logan. Okay, I know confusion sounds too innocent for what I did. I fucked up. Royally. The problem was that I'd already been drinking when she showed up. I was fried from working on the ER project, and to top it off, Ellie was gone, and I was quite drunk. I really should have just gone with Ellie, but I was too obsessed with having my hand in that project. When Logan showed up, I was weak. To be honest, I didn't feel much for her, and thank god we didn't have sex again, but she walked in like she'd never left and I just fell into the old routine. If I hadn't been drunk, I would have been able to turn her away at the door. Instead, I just got more and more drunk the longer she stayed.

When I was drinking, the effect was twofold: sure, it felt good to relax and let my worries drift away. But there was always that underlying feeling of being weak, being a loser, being someone who couldn't control himself around liquor. It was humiliating, and I kept it hidden for years. I couldn't imagine letting others see such a despicable side of me. Logan saw it and she knew I was a weakling. She nagged me sometimes to not drink so much, but she mostly ignored it. I couldn't imagine Ellie finding out, and deep down, there was a small part of me that was afraid of getting too close to her because if I did, she would surely find out that I was a lush. Then she would turn around and walk straight in the opposite direction. The bottom line was that I worried that I wasn't good enough for her.

I hurt her, more than once, and I almost lost her. But that night on the beach, my heart broke in two when I saw her with Ian. It was like the blinders fell off, and we were barely in my apartment before I told Logan to pack her things and leave. She was livid, telling me I would never do better than her. For the first time in my life, I didn't care that she was pissed, that she was disappointed, or whatever. I told her to leave and never come back. She only tried to come back that one time. Then Ellie told her off, which was amazing, and if I'm honest, a huge turn-on. But I didn't want sex with Ellie to be based on some hormonal instinct. I truly wanted to make love to her, to show her how much she meant to me. And that night, I did.

I was so grateful that she had given me another chance. I honestly didn't think I could live without her, and I didn't want to try. In a way, it was true. If it weren't for Ellie, I might never have faced my drinking problem. After the accident, I might have just gone back to drinking since I wouldn't have had someone to live for. 

Ellie is my something to live for, her tender heart, her sweet kisses, her ferocious commitment to me when she could have walked away so many times. I needed her and I thank God she stuck with me. I only hope I can be what she needs. She makes me want to be the man who deserves her. 

And today I get to marry her. 

* * * * *

So, this is one of two longer chapters, and then five shorter chapters will follow, for a little glimpse into Harry and Ellie's future as husband and wife. Enjoy!