Guyfriends ~ Luke Hemmings

Chapter 22

*Calum's P.O.V.*

"I'm in love with Ashton."

It felt so good to finally get that off my chest. I have been keeping this to myself for so long, I was about to burst. I have had feelings for Ashton ever since I got on one knee and asked him if he wanted to join our band. No one knows that I almost asked him to be my boyfriend and no one ever will. I was actually planning on asking him, but because Michael and Luke wanted him to join the band – and of course I wanted that too – I put my feelings to the side.

We could have dated, it was possible, but only when we were still small and unknown. Because now we've grown so much as a band and we're touring the world. Apparently there are girls gawking over us worldwide and it would crush them if it turned out I was gay and if Ashton would end up being gay too and we would date; it just wouldn't be possible. I'm sure we would get in trouble with management too.

But now he's apparently going on a date with that Melissa girl and I suddenly feel so alone. Michael and Luke both have awesome girlfriends, Ashton is going on a date with this girl – I would say she's very nice too, but she kind of stole my man, so... – and now I'm here all alone. Am I not good enough or something?

It seems like my friends are always lucky with dating and people always like them. Most of the times that leaves me sitting alone in my bedroom, writing songs about how heartbroken I actually am. I just want someone to share my life with, my deepest secrets, someone I can trust, someone who trusts me and someone who is not afraid to be themselves with me around.

I just want to be happy.

Recently Ashton has been flirting with me a lot, but then Melissa just waltzes in and takes him away from my side. I like her, I really do, but how can I act normally with her around when she takes the one thing or person that truly makes me happy. Ashton, with his giggles and dimples and his curly hair and his sparkling hazel eyes and his skinny jeans that make his bum look like – okay, I need to stop.

I want him to be happy, truly happy, he deserves that. So if Melissa makes him happy, I won't stop them. I just feel like Melissa doesn't know him like I do, like she doesn't know what he needs and wants in life. All of his deepest secrets, all of his struggles and doubts, his plans for life, he told me them. I know everything from him and vice versa.

Will they ever be as close as we were once?

I was still on the phone with Kim and I told her all my thoughts about them, about us, about him, about me and so on. Of course I didn't tell her any secrets of ours, but I did mention them, I just didn't describe them.

"But what about our fans? What if they find out I'm gay? Will they leave us and start hating on me?" I asked her. "I could get so much hate, what if everyone starts hating our band because of me? I don't want that to happen, Kim!"

She sighed into the phone and told me "Calum, I don't believe in sexualities and labels. You are who you are and you are Calum. So, as a Calum you can be who- or whatever you want and just do what makes you happy. If dating a boy makes you happy, then date a boy. You can even date a pole or a tree, whatever, see if I care!" she laughed. "But seriously, if fans will hate you, just because you like boys more, then they were never truly fans in the first place. True fans will stay by your side and support you no matter what. And you'll always have us, remember that."

"Why do you always know what to say?" I asked her with a smile on my face.

"I don't. I simply think about how it would be if I were to stand in your shoes and what I wanted someone to say if I were to ask them." She explained. "And I'm not just saying it because you probably want to hear it, but because it's true. Society is just fucked up these days. Fuck the system and just do what makes you happy. If you're happy, why should anyone else want to change that?"