Shooting Star

Chapter Eleven

I tried to hold Sirius, but he wouldn't let me. "I can't do this." He said. "I'm sorry."
"You can't do what?" I asked.
"I can't do this to you. I've been so selfish."
"Pardon?"
"There was a reason I never told you I fancied you. I knew I didn't deserve you. I didn't want to drag you into all this."
"Sirius--"
"It was selfish of me to ever admit it to you. I was just so tired. I just wanted somebody to love me, to tell me it was okay. I should have known I'd mess things up. I'm sorry I was selfish."
"Everybody wants to be loved, Sirius. I--"
"No. Don't make excuses for me. I'm a miserable excuse for a human. I'm so sorry I got you involved in all of it. I'll see you at school, okay?"
"Don't you dare leave." I said, grabbing his hand in case he decided to disapparate.
"I'm doing this for you."
"Don't make excuses for yourself. I know you're just scared."
"I'm not scared. Please, Eliza, let me go. You don't understand."
I was gonna have to play dirty. I didn't wanna.. "Just stay, Sirius. What don't I understand?" I wrapped my arms around his neck.
"I'm dangerous." He said. "I'm volatile. I'm dark. I can't be trusted." He didn't look at me.
"We've all got dark inside us." I may be able not get away with it and not have to employ subterfuge. "But we've all got light too. What matters is the part that we choose to act on. Not what our families choose; what we choose. That's who we really are."
"Don't make this harder than it has to be, Eliza. You need me away from you."
Okay. Maybe I would have to employ my deceit.
"Come on, Black. Stay with me." I said, kissing his jaw.
He turned his head away. "I have to go."
I was so close to him that I could feel his heart racing. "No you don't, Sirius. One more night." I kissed his neck.
"No. Stop." He tilted his head back, but didn't try too hard to get me away. "Eliza."
"I love you, Sirius." I pulled his head down to me and kissed him.
"Do you know how hard it is to say no to you under normal circumstances." He said huskily. "Stop, Eliza. I have to go."
"You don't, though." I kissed him slowly. "You can stay with me. That's where you want to be, isn't it?"
"More than anything." He whispered, moving to wrap his arms around me. He recognized his control slipping and cleared his throat, dropping his arms. "I have to go, Taylor."
I felt bad leading him on.
But maybe I wasn't. Maybe I did want this.
I tried to tell myself that I wouldn't let that happen, that I was only doing this because if he left, I might never see him again.
I'm sure my mum would have gotten everybody out of the house in case Sirius were to freak out. I had heard the garage door open...
"Stay, Padfoot." I whispered. "Just stay with me. We'll be okay. I promise."
I felt his chest rising and falling as I kissed him again. "No, Taylor." He breathed. "Stop."
"Come on, Sirius."

"Why won't you let me leave?" Sirius asked, his throat tight. "It's better for you."
"Is it?" She asked, kissing his neck again.
"I have to go." The farthest he could manage to get away from her was moving his head back. He could get away from her if he wanted to, but he just couldn't make himself. He wanted to give in. More than anything, he wanted to. But he couldn't. He needed to keep her safe--
"I love you, Sirius." She pulled his head back down and kissed him. "Stay."
What he had wanted was for someone to love him... He had that, and now he was going to throw it away. "I need to leave. Why are you so insistent I stay?" He said, trying to make himself think about something, anything, as long as it wasn't her. She could be bloody seductive when she tried.
"Because I need you to stay alive." She put her forehead on his.
"Who's to say I wouldn't?"
"I know you, Sirius."
She was right, but he couldn't focus on that right now.
"Oh, bloody hell.." He tilted his chin and was about to kiss her. "This isn't fair." He said, jerking back.
"What isn't?" She asked innocently.
His composure was melting. How was he to keep this up? She was just so close... He could smell her perfume. She smelled like vanilla.
She pulled his head down again. He knew she could probably feel his heart trying to escape his chest. He wished it would escape; then he could leave. He told himself that he was just proving to her that two could play at her little game... He hoped her parents weren't home. He wouldn't let it get too far, though. Maybe.
She started talking. "I love--"

He crushed his lips onto mine. My head moved back, but he held it in place. "You. Can't. Lead. Me. On." He said, snogging my face off. His voice shook.
"That's the thing." I said, genuinely worried that Sirius Black had had a bad influence on me. "I wasn't."

A short while later, we were laying on my bed, only half unclothed. Underclothes were still intact: it was okay. I closed my eyes, not wanting to look at him and risk crying again. I felt the healing scars on his wrist against my back, and the healed scars on his chest and stomach on my cheek and chest, so I couldn't pretend they weren't there.
He rubbed his hand on my arm. His cuts actually felt good on my skin, like the calloused hands of a cowboy would. "I've always wondered what your underclothes would look like." He said.
I didn't have to look at him to know he was smirking. "Shut up."
"I must say, I approve."
"I said shut up." I sing-songed.
"I'm sorry I overreacted." He said quietly.
"It's fine. I'm used to you being a drama queen." I smirked.
"If I wasn't totally exhausted, I could have fucked--"
"Stop right there." I said, and he laughed.
After a moment, he whispered. "You don't have to close your eyes. You can look at me, you know."
"I don't want to cry."
"So don't cry, then."
"This is going to sound like a young adult romance novel, but you're so brave." I sat up and looked at him. Into his eyes, that is. I refused to look elsewhere.
"No I'm not." He dropped his gaze.
"Yes you are, Sirius. Not everybody could have put up with what you did and still be acting upon the light side of themselves."
"I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for James, Remus and Peter."
I smiled a little bit.
He pointed to a long, white stripe across his chest, probably inflicted by a belt. "This was for being in Gryffindor." He told me. He looked up to make sure I was okay. "One day they were spouting all this anti-muggleborn shit, so I said something, and mum threw her cup at me." He gestured to a few scars on his abdomen. "I don't know. They all just kind of blur together once they stop hurting."
A lump rose in my throat, but I swallowed it back.
"I used to try to protect Reg too. But once he chose his side, they let him alone. But he's just a kid." He looked up at me, eyes broken.
"So are you, Sirius."
"I didn't realize," he said as he sat up, "That you were what I've been wanting my whole life."
"What do you mean?"
"You're safety." There was a soft smile on his lips. "You're love. You're happiness."
I smiled, my heart hurting for the little boy with no childhood. "I'm glad you've found it."
"It's weird," he said, "Finally being able to actually express things."
I smiled, not knowing what to say.
"Are you happy? With me, I mean."
"I'm very happy with you."

The night before we left to go back to Hogwarts, I couldn't sleep. I kept trying to get my parents to stay up later, but at midnight, they finally said it was time for bed. I told them goodnight and burst into tears in my bedroom.
Sirius, of course, had seen right through it all and followed me in. "What's wrong?" He asked. He moved to hug me, but restrained himself.
I shook my head. I didn't want to bother him. "I'm okay." I sucked it up.
"No. Spill, Liza."
"What if I never see them again?" I started to cry again. "They could die before I can come home again. I could die before I can come home again. What if I never see my parents again? Or my sister?"
He wrapped his arms around me. I guess he was just making sure I wasn't crying because of him before he hugged me. "I won't let anything happen to you. Hogwarts is the safest place you can be, anyways. And you put protective spells around this house. They'll be okay."
"They can't stay in the house forever."
"It'll be okay, Eliza." He kissed my forehead.
I finally sucked it up, and he finally left. He shut the door, and I dropped to the floor. I was exhausted. I started to sob again, and ended up falling asleep on the floor.