Shooting Star

Chapter Forty-Nine

When I got out of bed the next morning, Remus still wasn't home. I checked to make sure Harry was still asleep, and he was, so I wrote him a note telling him I'd be back soon in case he awoke while I was gone.
I apparated to the Shrieking Shack and hoped no one saw me as I climbed through a window.
"Remus?" I called, looking around and eventually settling on going up a flight of steps. "Re--" I stopped when I saw him curled up and shaking in a corner of the room the stairway opened up to.
I walked over and knelt beside him, stroking his hair. "All right?" I asked softly.
"It's my fault." He pulled his head from his arm and looked up at me, face tearstained.
"What's your fault?"
"Everything. James and Lily, Sirius... It's all my fault."
"None of that's your fault, Remus! How could any of it possibly be your fault?"
"I could've been there." He said quietly, putting his head in my lap.
"If you had been with Sirius, you'd be in Azkaban too. If you had been with James and Lily, you'd have been killed." I stroked his hair.
"I wish I had been."
I said nothing, just stroked his hair.
After he'd calmed down, I apparated us home. Harry was still asleep, so I made breakfast while Remus showered.
Harry woke up as I was finishing some eggs. "Go see if Remus is done in the shower." I instructed. He'd been in there for a while.
"He's not answering." Harry said.
I really hoped he hadn't drowned himself.
"All right. Fix your breakfast. I'll check on him. Thank you."
I went and knocked on the door, Harry behind me. There was no answer. "Remus?" I called, heart racing. No answer.
I tapped the doorknob with my wand, not even positive what spell I was thinking, even though I knew it at the time. The door clicked unlocked, and I pushed it open. "Remus?"
Harry stood outside, watching, probably equally nervous, if only as a reaction to my anxiety. I pulled the shower curtain back, praying not to see a corpse.
I didn't, thank God. He was asleep, curled up in the corner. "Harry, get me a towel." I said, turning off the water and holding my hand out behind me. I felt him place the towel in my hand as I shook Remus awake.
His eyes fluttered open. "Huh?" He mumbled.
"Come on, get up and dressed. Breakfast's ready." I held the towel out to him.
He looked at the towel, and his eyes drifted from me to Harry, and finally his surroundings. "Oh." He said in response to finding himself in the bathtub. "I'm sorry. I must have fallen asleep." He took the towel from me. "Thank you."
"Sure." I smiled gently and left the room, bringing Harry with me, and shutting the door on my way.
"What happened?" Harry asked as I brought him to the kitchen. "When did he get here?"
"Early this morning. He's a bit tired." I said.
Remus joined us for breakfast after a moment and we ate in silence.
I stuck my hand out over his plate as his head fell. Harry jumped as Remus' face hit my hand. He followed as I levitated Remus to the bedroom. I unmade the bed with one hand, and dropped him gently on it. Harry watched from the doorway as I pulled the blankets over him. I brushed his hair from his forehead and kissed it, sighing.
"Come on, then. Let's finish breakfast." I told Harry quietly, shutting the door on our way out.
"What's wrong with him?" Harry asked.
"He had a long night, apparently."
Harry nodded and kept eating, thinking he understood.
"Well, is Ron coming next week?"

Ron came next week. The boys had fun wandering the woods behind the house. When I say the boys, that includes Remus. I had fun having a quiet house. I even made a cake (with Harry and Ron's help: they licked the bowl.)
"This is better than Mum's." Ron said through a mouthful of cake.
"Merlin, don't tell her that." Remus laughed, eating a bite of his.
The next week, Harry and Ron went to the Weasley's. Mrs. Weasley said they could just take Harry to school, if I wanted. Harry was fine with it, so I agreed and sent them there with a large cake.
"We need to talk, Remus." I said right after the kids left.
"About?" Remus didn't look up from the book he was reading.
"You."
At that he did look up. "About me?"
"Yes."
"What about me?"
I sat down across from him at the table. "Your feelings." I said generally.
"Please no."
"Let's start with you blaming yourself for everything, shall we?"
"When did I tell you that?"
"Last full moon."
He nodded. "Ah. Well."
"But none of it was your fault."
"I could have done something, I'm sure."
"You couldn't have, though. No one could have."
"I know you blame yourself for it all too. I know Sirius blames himself for what happened to Lily and James--"
"There's a difference between blaming yourself and wondering if you could have altered things." I said softly. "If we had been involved, we would have altered things, but it would all still have the same outcome, only we'd either be dead or imprisoned too, and either way, Harry would be alone."
"I know."
"Secondly, you thinking you're unworthy. Or unclean, whichever you prefer." Yes, I'd rehearsed this.
"Who says I do?"
"You do."
"I'm simply a stain upon--"
"Bull." I said.
He blinked.
"You aren't a 'stain' upon anything. You aren't unclean."
He laughed a little bit bitterly. "Just because you see me that way doesn't mean everybody else does. To them, I'm a monster. You're blinded by your love for Sirius--"
"Excuse me." I interrupted. "But how the hell does Sirius fit into this?"
"If you hadn't loved Sirius, you would think me a monster--"
"I loved you first." I said. "I knew then too, and I still loved you. And I still love you now."
"You've never seen--"
"So? I don't need to. I'd still love you, even if I did. Sirius and James did."
"Sirius and James are... Noble. They--"
"Bull. Shit." I said. "Do you honestly think they would have gone through that long, arduous process for someone they didn't love? They'd have to have loved you a hell of a lot."
"I know they do. I know you do. But you all loved me before you knew, or you wouldn't even have associated with me."
"Is that who you think we are, Remus?" I asked quietly.
"That didn't come out right." He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "I meant--"
"I know. But honestly, Remus. You're seriously lacking some self-confidence."
"You're telling me." He laughed a bit.
"As you said, though." I said seriously. "Sirius and James are noble. If they thought continuing to be friends with you ignoble, they wouldn't have done it." I stood up.
"Where are you going?" He grabbed my hand.
"To give you a hug. Stand up."