Shooting Star

Chapter Fifteen

We were finally learning Occlumency. We were put with partners and not allowed to choose. I was put with Remus, so I was less stressed out than I would have been with anybody else. Sirius was with James. Lily was with Snape, of course, and Peter was with the Slytherin keeper. Remus was fidgety, but who could blame him.
"Do you want to go first?" I asked him.
"To you?"
"Yeah."
"If you want..."
"Okay."
My heart was racing as he said started. After a moment, I started reliving everything. There was me magically fixing Natalie's knee when she fell and scraped it, and her flipping out. There was Natalie telling me to get out of the house because she was bringing a boyfriend home and didn't want him to meet me. There were my parents saying nothing as Natalie screamed that I was a freak. There was my dad, drunk and beating us. There was my first day of Hogwarts, meeting Lily and Snape. There was the day Lily and I stopped being friends with Snape. There was the day I first befriended the boys. There was Sirius showing up in my dining room, freaking out. There was AC/DC. Then there was the time we almost had sex, and I shoved Remus out of my head because no thanks. Throughout the whole thing, there was the same feeling of depression, even at the happy times. Remus had obviously felt it too, because he looked just as exhausted as I felt. "Are you okay?" He asked, swallowing hard, hugging me.
I nodded, shaking. "That was unpleasant." I tried for a smile. "I'm ready when you are."
After a while, he nodded and closed his eyes.
I forced my visions out of my mind and tried to enter his. I was immediately hit with a wave of panic and pain. It hurt physically. I saw people I assumed were his parents. I saw Remus bitten by a werewolf, and his parents later killed by the same one. I saw a cute little baby werewolf when he was little, and then it got worse and worse as he got older. I felt the pain of his transformation. I saw him waking up to see the damage he'd inflicted upon his best friends. I saw Sirius morph into a black dog, James into a stag and Peter into a rat. I jerked out of his head, feeling like such an intruder.
He stared at me, panting with wide eyes. I came towards him, and he held up his arms in defense, as if I would hit him. "I'm sorry." He choked out.
I hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry, Remus." I wanted to cry. I wasn't even angry that the other three were illegal animagi. I hugged him for a while, watching Sirius and James over his shoulder, not really paying attention until I saw Sirius crying. James looked away, pretending he hadn't seen, but looking equally as pained. "I'm sorry, Remus. That must be terrible." I turned my face into his shoulder, not able to watch Sirius hurt.
"I'm okay." Remus hugged me back, his heart racing. "You aren't scared? Or disgusted?"
"No, of course not. Don't think that way. It isn't your fault."
"They told me you and Lily would act this way if you knew, but I wouldn't tell you two."
"I understand why. We both already knew, to some extent, though."
"I figured you did. You're both too smart not to have realized something was up."
Someone cleared their throat. "Can I borrow her?" Sirius asked.
I let Remus go and turned to Sirius. "What is it?"
"I need to talk to you." He grabbed my hand and pulled me out, yelling thank you to Remus.
McGonagall was walking through the hall as we were. He didn't try to hide from her, but kept pulling me.
"Mr. Black." McGonagal said.
"Yes, Professor?" He stopped walking.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." He said through gritted teeth and kept walking.
He pulled me up to their dormitory and shut the door. If I hadn't known him for so long I would have slapped him as he pushed me against the door and kissed me. "What are you doing?" I asked, holding him at bay.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" He half growled, making me imagine him as the big black dog. "I'm trying to relieve my pain and suffering by snogging you."
"I hadn't noticed." I pushed him back again. "Why don't we talk instead?" Excessive snogging tends to make me uncomfortable.
"I don't want to talk." He kissed me again.
I held him back. "Well, I don't want to snog."
"I don't like to face my feelings." He kissed my forehead, then put his on mine, closing his eyes and taking deep, quiet breaths.
"Yeah, I'm aware. We don't have to talk, then. Come here." I hugged him.
"Oh, no no." He stepped back, holding up his hands. "Nope. You're being all nice and crap."
"Sorry." I said sarcastically.
"I'll cry. I'm not crying."
"It's okay to cry, Sirius."
"For you. You're girl, and you hardly ever cry."
"Everybody cries. Don't be sexist, Black."
He laughed. "Sorry."
I smiled.
He sat down on his bed and closed his eyes. "Okay. Do it."
"Do what?"
"Use Legilimency on me. Do it."
"The mind of Sirius Black has got to be a dark and demented place." I held up my hands. I want no part of that. He can tell it to me, but I don't want in it.
He opened his eyes. "Yes, it is. Do it."
"Are you gonna show me porn?" I asked.
"No." He laughed. "Come on. Just do it, Eliza."
"No, Sirius. I refuse."
"Think of it as studying."
"It isn't!"
"Come on, Eliza. Just do it."
"No, Black. I'm not going to... Violate you like that."
"It isn't violating me! I want you to know."
"Why can't you just tell me?" I wanted to cry.
"Because I can't! Just do it, Eliza. You're all about letting each other know about our feelings. Do it."
"No, Sirius! I don't want to!"
"It won't be worse than Moony's." He said quietly. "Just do it."
"I don't want to make you relive that, Sirius." I said softly, tears welling in my eyes. "I don't want to. I--"
"It's fine, Eliza. I'm okay. It's all right. Go ahead and do it."
"Sirius...."
"It's okay. I want you to know. I'm sure that you know how to stop it if you want to. Come on. He took my hand and pulled me down beside him, turning to look at me.
My heart was racing, and I wanted to cry. I was absolutely terrified of what I may see. "Legilimens." I whispered.
"You have to mean it, Taylor. Like crucio. You've got to mean it if you want it to happen."
"Legilimens." I repeated. How did Sirius Black know how to do crucio.
There was a younger Sirius, jumping in front of an adorable little boy. A belt collided with his chest. A man started screaming at him for doing it. He looked just like Sirius, but older and angry. There was Sirius meeting James, Remus, and Peter. There was Sirius getting beat and crucio'd for being Sorted into Gryffindor, and various other things. There was him seeing me in second year, and the boys taunting him about fancying me. There was Bellarrix Lestrange standing in front of him, him on the floor. "That's the thing, Sirius. You've got to mean it. Crucio!" She screeched. There was a younger Sirius falling through a fireplace at James' and Mrs. Potter picking him up off the floor and holding him, rocking him back and forth in an attempt to calm him down, as he cried. There was the day we started dating. There was the day his parents flipped shit because he was dating a mudblood, and then he threw me out. I felt his anger and pain the whole time, even on the happy things, just like I had with my sadness. It was terrifying. The wrath of Sirius Black was not something one should mess with and I was, in all honesty, quite scared.
I could hear Sirius breathing, but I wouldn't look at him. Now is the time I wanted to kiss and not cry.
"I told you you should be scared."
So I kissed him and didn't cry. He didn't seem to mind.
"BLACK AND TAYLOR SITTING IN A TREE!" Someone started yelling after a while. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
Sirius broke away, his forehead still on mine. He smiled a bit, half amused, half irritated.
"FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES--"
Sirius grabbed his wand and put a silencing charm on him. I laughed, cheeks burning. He kept kissing me. "Stop that." I said.
"Nah." He kept kissing me.
James was still mouthing in the doorway, his eyes covered.
"Sirius."
"I'll handle it, I'll handle it." He pointed his wand at the door and it slammed.
"Black." I laughed, getting up. "No." I opened the door and took the spell off James.
"Thank you." He bowed.
"You're welcome. Where's Remus?"
"In the library with Lily and Peter."
"Thanks." I half ran from the room.
I didn't go to the library. I ran up to my dormitory. I sat down by the window, leaning against it. I needed to go study too...
Poor Sirius, though. My Lord.
After a while, I grabbed a book and trudged to the library. I debated whether or not to sit with my friends. I was kind of in the mood to be alone. But Remus saw me and gestured me over, so I sat beside Peter. "How's your arm?" I sounded tired.
"Fine." He shrugged.
Lily looked like she'd been crying. I gave her a questioning look, and she gestured for me to follow her. I followed her behind a bookcase. "I hated that class." She whispered, tears in her eyes.
"Why?"
"I feel so bloody bad for Sev..."
"Did you not know all that stuff?"
"Well, I did, but I'd never experienced it."
"So, are the two of you friends again?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Good!" I smiled.
"What about Remus?"
My smile faded and I lowered my voice even more. "He is a werewolf. It hurts, Lily. It hurts so bad. But James, Sirius, and Peter are illegal animagi. Potter's a stag, oh my Lord. And Sirius is a black dog and Pete's a rat."
"Well, okay then."
"Yeah. And then Sirius dragged me out and made me use Legilimency on him. God, it was terrible."
"I bet."
Snape came over to me and Lily. "Hi." He said awkwardly.
"Hey." We both said.
"Come sit with us." Lily said.
"Oh, no. I--"
"Come on." I said.
He followed us to the table. Remus and Peter looked at him. "I'm gonna go." Sev said.
I pulled him down beside me.
Remus was copying the notes Lily and I had. We had made them for him, but he had always copied them anyways. At least he got it all that way.
James and Sirius walked in the library, and Snape stood up.
"Sit back down. They'll be fine." Remus didn't look up. Lily and I looked at him, then shrugged. I pulled Sev back down beside me.
James and Sirius stopped in their tracks when they saw Severus with us. They conversed for a second, then came over eventually. James leaned on the back of Lily's seat. "So, what's up?" He asked casually.
"Get off my seat, Potter." Lily said, and he moved over to Remus'.
Sirius plopped down beside Lily, across from Sev. "Bookworms." He said casually, not even acknowledging that anything was out of the ordinary.
Then, of course, the two of them started acting like themselves and got us all kicked out.