Shooting Star

Chapter Sixty-Nine

Sirius would let us out of the house now that Voldemort was gone. I had left Sirius, Remus and Teddy at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, because Sirius wasn't ready to leave that dumb joke shop yet. Remus was in charge of both Sirius and Teddy, so it was okay to leave them.
I walked in the door. "I'm home!" I called to Harry as I sat down on the couch, picking up a book.
"Mum?" Harry asked shakily, coming in the room.
I stood up at the sight of him. "Harry." It came out more panicked than I had intended.
He stopped in the doorway, so I came forward. "What is it?" I asked.
"It's my fault." He wouldn't look at me.
"What's your fault?" I asked gently.
He looked up at me, eyes haunted. "Everything." His voice cracked, and my heart broke. "All of this, it's my fault. Everything--"
"No, Harry. No it isn't."
"The Fallen Fifty, James and Lily... It's my fault."
"No, Harry." I repeated.
"If it weren't for me, none of them would be dead. Then Uncle Remus would have Tonks and be happier. You'd have Snape and be happier. And James and Lily..."
"Harry, no--"
"Now Teddy's going to grow up without a mother. And it's my fault. I killed them all. They died because of me."
"Harry, look. Listen to me. I need you to pay attention." I grabbed his arms and waited for him to raise his eyes to mine. "They all knew what they were doing. Severus signed his death warrant years ago; he made his choice. Tonks was supposed to stay in the Room of Requirement; she made her choice."
"You could have died, Mum. Dad could have. Uncle Remus. Ron and Hermione. Ginny. And now George's going to hate me. I killed his brother."
"He was twenty, baby. George isn't going to be angry. Fred made the decision to fight. Nobody was there who didn't want to be. They all made their decisions. We all had a choice, Harry. We all chose to fight."
"And you all could have died. All because of me."
"And it would have been worth it. I know that Fred and Tonks wouldn't regret anything. They'd do it again if they had to." I wanted to cry, but of course I couldn't. Not now.
"Colin Creevy died, Mum. He was just a child..."
"He made his decision too. It isn't your fault, Harry. They did the same thing you tried to do, except you didn't die."
"I wish I had." A tear escaped his eye.
I pulled him to me, and he started to cry. "It's all right, baby." I rubbed his back, hugging him tightly. "It's okay. It's okay, baby. I love you."
We were still standing like that when Hermione came stumbling through the fireplace. "Harry. Thank God." She sighed.
I let Harry go. "Hey, Hermione. You okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. Are you?"
I nodded. "I'll be outside if you need me."
I left as she flung herself into Harry's arms. I laid in the grass, staring at the stars, a tear sliding out the corner of my eye.
You'd think I would have cared that I had killed people, but I didn't. They all deserved to die. All I cared about were the Death Eaters we'd left living, and the Order who'd lost people, and those who died.
After a while, I heard the back door open and close quietly, and then Remus and Sirius talking. I stood up and went over to them. Remus held the blue-haired baby boy. He was blonde last I saw him. "Remus, will you move in with us?" I asked without preamble. I hadn't asked Sirius, but I was sure he wouldn't mind.
"I don't want to intrude--"
"You're here all the time anyway, mate, might as well." Sirius said.
"Yeah, but Teddy doesn't sleep through the night--"
"We don't mind. You helped us with Harry; we'll help you with him." I said.
Tears welled in his eyes as he nodded. He opened his mouth to speak, probably to say thank you, but no sound came out.
"Can I hold him, Moony?" Sirius asked, seeing him getting upset.
Remus handed his baby over and I hugged Remus. We had a system here.
"Dora." He choked out.
"I know, love." I whispered, hugging him tightly. "She wouldn't want you like this. I know you know that, Remus. She would want you to be happy. She died for a good reason, and she would have been happy about it." Tears pricked my eyes.
"I know. I miss her. I fucking miss her."
Sirius was standing behind Remus, looking like watching this was hurting him just as must as Remus was hurting.
"I know." I squeezed my eyes shut.

Remus had fallen asleep on the couch, and Sirius was sitting in the chair keeping watch faithfully. I kissed his head and told him I was going to bed.
I didn't go to bed. I went to the Shrieking Shack and screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed until my throat hurt.
I couldn't handle all of this. Severus, Fred, Tonks... Everybody. I fucking missed Lily and James Potter. The man who'd literally carried me halfway across the school because I was too mentally fucked to use simple motor skills was now so mentally fucked that we didn't dare leave him alone. My child, my baby who had just tried to sacrifice himself to save the world was blaming himself for everything that had gone wrong since the bloody beginning of time.
I couldn't handle it.
I screamed again.
When I finished crying, I took a walk around the block before going home.
"Where the hell have you been?" Remus greeted me. "We've looked for you everywhere!"
"I went on a walk. I didn't mean to cause trouble. Is something wrong?"
"You scared the hell out of us." He engulfed me in a hug. "Why didn't you just say you were going on a bloody walk?"
"I'm sorry." I said.
"I found her!" Remus yelled, presumably to Sirius.
Sirius and Harry both came running around the house, demanding to know where I'd been.
After I'd fed them some bull about not being able to sleep, I made them lay with me and look at the stars. It was nice, having us all together. We were missing Tonks, but there was nothing we could do about that...