What You Don't See On The Outside

Chapter 7

I wake up to my alarm going off, I roll over to look at it. 8:30am. How nice. I get up and get changed knowing I have nothing to do today so I grab a pair of black leggings and a white t-shirt. I go into the bathroom and comb my hair and brush my teeth. I walk down to the kitchen to grab some breakfast, I go over to the fridge and grab a banana and go over to the counter to sit. I look at my phone to catch up on the new news in the world. I finish my banana and throw the peel away in the garbage. Hmm, I think to myself. Aunt Lisa isn't up yet, maybe she is just sleeping in. I have a bad feeling in my stomach, I think I should go check on her.

I walk to her bedroom and the door is shut. Ok, that is normal. 

I knock on the door slowly, hoping she answers. No answer...I knock again and wait a few seconds. No answer.

I barge into the room worried. I look towards her bed and she is still in it. She's not moving. Oh no.

 I run over to her and the world starts to spin. 

I check her pulse, nothing. She isn't breathing, I scream. My insides are churning my eyes are burning with tears. I take her off the bed and to the floor, I try CPR, I tried mouth to mouth. 

Nothing. Nothing is a scary word, because at this time, I have nothing left. 

My dad left me.

My mom is dead.

My family has had no contact with me since the divorce. 

And now...the only person who had a connection to my past...is...dead. I scream at the top of my lungs for help. I snatch my phone and call for help. Once I'm off the phone I message RC and tell him Lisa is dead. I have no one. I have no where to live. I'm alone. 

I start to sob so hard I can't breath, my head hurts, the world is spinning, I'm laying on the ground in a ball. What do I have left to live for. 

Nothing.

There's that seven letter word again. Nothing. The word that tops them all. Nothing. It keeps repeating in my head. Nothing. It's like a song I can't get out of my head. It's like a person you can't stop thinking about. Lisa is now nothing. She's gone and I can't cope. 

I hear the front door being smashed through and opened up, did I not hear them knock? 

I hear them run up the stairs...the rhythm of their steps, a reminder that Lisa has no pulse. I sob harder if that is even possible. The world starts to spin even more. I feel like giving up. I feel myself being lifted up and I feel myself being carried down the stairs. I have no clue is holding me but I don't care, that person is something while I have and am nothing. There's is that word again. The one that feels as though it will forever haunt me. 

I feel my skin coming in contact with the warm summer air. Am I outside? I don't dare look. 

All of a sudden I hear someone running and the sound keeps coming closer. I feel arms wrap around me. I hear a voice say, "Look up Shania, please look at me." 

"No," I reply. It's RC who is holding me. I say, "I am nothing, I have nothing, why would you want me!"

He replies, "because, you are strong, brave, smart, funny, talented, pretty, and bright plus many more words I am not smart enough to say. Shania, you are my everything, we just met yesterday but I feel as though I've known you for years. I love you."

He just said he loves me. I thought there was no one who loved me anymore. I thought I had nothing. "RC, I love you more than you will ever know. I thought I had nothing, but I have you. You are my all. RC, you are my everything."

I look at him and see he is crying, I hug him. I squeeze him so tight. I might still feel like I have nothing in my life because everything I've always known is gone, but I have RC. My love. 

"Honey, look at me." RC coos, I look at him. "I love you to the moon and back, if I had to get water from the moon for you, I would. I would do anything to keep you by my side."

I heard people yelling back and forth to each other. I look to the house and see Lisa being brought out on a gurney, a sheet over her body. I got up. I looked at RC and back at Lisa...or what was left of her...I ran straight to her body being pulled into the ambulance. I got there and sank to the ground. 

Ok, I have RC. But where am I going to live? I can't go into foster care, I have never thought killing yourself was a good idea since my mom did it and left me here. But I now question it. It could be easy. Grab a razor. Go into the bathroom. Cut myself deep and leave myself there to rot. No one would find me and I'd be happy. 

I can't do that to RC. He is my someone and I am his. 

I sob hard. I sob so hard, thinking that with the tears leaving my body, so would the pain. RC runs to me again and lifts me off the ground. I fall into his arms. He looks me in the eyes and tells me, "She's gone Shan, I'm sorry." I couldn't believe it. I knew she was but having someone confirm it hit me hard. It felt like being punched in the gut and losing your breath but feeling as though you will never regain it. I sob harder into RC's shoulder. He cradles me like a newborn. His arms around me makes me feel safe. 

RC then speaks up, "Shania you are coming over to my house now, Mike is coming to get us."

"I want Lisa!" I scream. 

"Honey, listen to me. They said you can't see her until the visitation. I'm sorry." I stay in his arms.

He picks me up like the groom does to his bride on their wedding day. He feels safe, maybe he is my home. He is the one good thing I can come back to at the end of the day. 

He walks over to Mike's vehicle and sets me in the seat and then he walked around to the other side and got it. No one talked the whole way. It was complete silence beyond my sobs of mourning. 

Nothing.