JOVS' POV
I don't know how to feel right now.
I just practically put myself in the same situation 3 years ago.
Yung pinaka-iiwasan kong mangyari, eto na, looming around the corner. Ready to barge into my sanity again.
3 years ago, I'm sitting at the same state of mind, same self-loathing, self-repulsion me, terrified of the same thing.....
The truth.
The truth that may destroy everything. The truth that can make me lose everything; even the girl I love.
Sitting alone made me block everything on my background. All the noises was shut down into silence.
But even the silence that once comforted me, haunted me with images of what the truth can make. Images of what I might end up having........ or losing.
"Mind if I join you?"
Mas lalo naman akong napapikit nung may marinig akong nagsalita.
Nang hindi ako sumagot, naramdaman ko pa rin siyang unti-unting umupo sa inuupuan kong kahoy malapit sa bonfire namin.
Now, the silence that haunted me was replaced by my erratic stupid heartbeats.
Tinignan ko siya... in the hope na tignan din niya ako... pero she just made herself smaller nung niyakap niya yung dalawang tuhod niya at ipinatong dun ang ulo niya.
I know she don't deserve this.
She shouldn't feel the pressure I put in between us.
At alam kong galit siya sa akin.
Dahil hinayaan kong iparamdam 'to sa kanya.
"Chel...I.." pagpuputol ko pero I realized, hindi ko pala alam kung anong sasabihin ko.
"Shhh.... I know." Sabi lang niya... senyales na hindi siya andito para makipag-usap.
"Hindi ko dapat sabihin to... pero Chel... I'm hurting... too m-much." my voice just cracked on the last word.
At sabay-sabay nang umakyat ung bigat ng dibdib ko sa mga mata ko at bumagsak sa pamamagitan ng luha.
I just hugged myself.
Dito naman ako magaling eh.. sa pag-iisa habang nasasaktan.. naramdaman ko na to noon... dapat kinakaya ko na to ngayon.. pero bakit pakiramdam ko, I'll still be losing my sanity at any moment.
That's why I jumped a little nung maramdaman ko ung mga braso niyang pumalibot sa mga balikat ko habang nakapatong ung baba niya sa ulo ko.
Hindi siya nagsalita sa buong oras na nagkadikit kami..
And I need to gather myself up.
I'm becoming a mess.
After a while, naramdaman kong hinigpitan niya ulit ung yakap niya bago niya ako binitawan at muling umupo sa tabi ko.
Huminga ako ng malalim at hinarap siya.
"Ba't di ka pa natutulog?" Mahina kong sabi pero nagkibit balikat lang siya bago sumagot.
"I was about 8 yrs old back then when a burglar barged in to our house. At sa dinami-dami ng kwartong una niyang mapapasukan, he chose to enter mine first habang natutulog ako. And I practically watched him order my parents to put everything we have sa bag niya while he's pointing a knife in my throat."
"..Chel." bulong ko at tinitigan siya. "Bakit mo sinasabi to sa akin?"
Alam kong hindi siya makakatulog ng mag-isa. Pero I never bothered to ask why. All I know is she's afraid.
