Volleyball has always been my sanctum. My shelter. It always have been my mood moderator.
Everytime na masaya ako, binubuhos ko sa plays ko. Everytime that I'm mad, nilalaro ko. Everytime na pakiramdam ko, binabagsakan na ako ng mundo, naglalaro ako.
And everytime, I've always felt good afterwards.
Pero, bakit ngayon, kahit pakiramdam ko, ubos na ang pawis ko, ayaw pa rin mawala yung sakit. Bakit ngayon, kahit pakiramdam ko, magang-maga na ang mga kamay at tuhod ko, ayaw pa rin makalimutan ng utak ko ang nangyari.
Volleyball has been my refuge.
But why does it feel like even volleyball couldn't repair my shattered heart.
Habang naglalaro, hindi ko makalimutan yung gabing sinayang ko yung pagkakataon na magkaayos kami.
Kung nagkaayos kami, hindi siya aalis; kung hindi siya umalis, hindi dapat mangyayari to.
She remembered her teammates' hold on her while she shouted in vain.
She remembered the heat while Aly holdinh her as she fought through her love's bloodied body in the middle of the dusty and dark road.
Her struggles then were put to naught because Aly has been stronger than her.
Aly was strong.
She always had been.
But even Aly; three days ago .. she saw Aly dashed into Den's arms, heaving as she cried.
She never saw Aly cried that much..
Aly has always been the bridge, the strong one..
But she never saw Aly so drained that day.
She's always been there for them.
Both for Den and Jovelyn.
Jovs....
Naramdaman niyang parang may sumasaksak sa dibdib niya.
she willed herself not to dwell on her name again. She promised her to move on.
She never saw Ella pushed away her food....
She never saw Ara and Kim so silent.
She never saw Den stay on her bed..... for weeks.
She never saw Mela and Bang lose interests on everything.
She never saw her teammates soo lifeless.
She didn't want to weep.
She needs to be there for them.
But she couldn't.
Because she had to do something for her guilt.
She had to do something for the pain.
She wanted not to move on.
But she blamed herself.
I fucking knew this is my fault.
She wanted badly to just take the bullet and direct it to herself.
Somehow, she wanted to replay the scene where the road had been covered red. She wanted to remember how she lost her voice because the situation she found her love of her life was too horrendous to even believe it is happening.
She found herself reminiscing what happened 3 hours ago.
The soft tune of Fix You by Coldplay hummed in the background.
Den's one hand has been clutching on her while holding a sobbing Aly on the other.
She can't find the urge to cry.
All she was thinking was
I did this.
She stared at the coffin infront of the altar. Never believing that a large part of her was in there. Lifeless.
