Invisible: #Wattys2014

Chapter 26: I Just Want to Know...

Psalm 91:11 states "For he will command his angel concerning you to guard you in all your ways."

As I sit here in church I wonder where my Angels are. Where were they this year when I needed them the most? Were they there watching me as my life turned into a horror movie, or were they too busy protecting someone else to notice me? I know this might not be the best time to question my faith but I can't help but wonder if Gods actually watching over me anymore. Afterall, I did turn my back on him when Elijah began to come around. Maybe not fully, but I don't volunteer in church how I use to or pray as much as I probably should. Maybe this was all a punishment, the rape, the abuse, the constant fear I'm now stuck with. Maybe the first rape was a warning to me, one that I was on thin ice and I should be more careful when making decisions. I ignored it, and I turned a blind eye. I let myself love a non believer, and not only that, I let myself make love to a non believer. I questioned my faith, I turned my back, and I allowed myself to knowingly sin. I deserved everything I was getting or got, I had no one to blame but myself.

"Hey Raine, you alright?" Sunny asked cautiously placing her hand on my shoulder and I sighed before nodding. It had been 2 weeks since the 'accident', 2 weeks since the break up, and only 2 days since Elijah was released with 6 months on probation. "You sure because service is over and you're still kind of... glued here."

"I just... I don't want to go outside right now. Do you think Elijah hates me?" I asked looking Sunny in the eyes, watching her inhale deeply as she withdrew her hand. It was hard not to think about him, even when it was obvious I should try better not to. "I do still love him."

"Then why'd you break up with him Raine, I'm still not crystal clear on that." She sighed pushing a strand of hair behind her ear as we grabbed our bibles and stood up. "I know murder is the biggest sin, but... When you look at the options he had there wasn't many."

"I just think it's better this way. We were never going to work out anyway when you think about it." I admitted shrugging, but the truth was that I needed the space to think. I wanted to be alone for a while, and I felt stained. More now then ever before. I wanted Elijah to see the girl he fell in love with, not the girl who was a victim in a act of cruelty.

"Raine you know that's not true. What you two had may not have been picture perfect, but it was a good thing. I don't think God is punishing you for anything." She frowned as we reached the doors. "He gave Elijah to you for a reason."

"If this isn't a punishment then what is it Sunny?" I scoffed as we made our way out of the church. My eyes instantly catching his as I stopped in my tracks, grabbing Sunny's arm to hault her movement.

"It's a test, and personally I think you passed. I'll wait for you by the car." She whispered before lightly pulling her arms from me and giving Elijah a wave. "Nice to see you again Elijah. You missed a brilliant service."

"Nice to see you too." Elijah huffed as she walked away, but he kept his eyes on me. The front of his grey t-shirt tucked into his pants as he took me in with his eyes. "I needed to see you."

"You saw me at trial, on the witness stand." I frowned forcing myself not to relive the moment.

"Yeah, but that's not how I wanted to see you and i'm sure it's not how you wanted to see me." He frowned taking a step closer as I took a step back. "I was hoping you'd want to see me too."

"I'm not really up to seeing too many people of the opposite gender these days Elijah." I admitted letting out a deep sigh as I looked at the bible in my hands trying to think of something useful. "You should know that better then anyone."

"Why'd you dump me Raine?" He asked his eyes leaving mine and locking onto the church step. I ignored the questions and proceeded to walk passed him, only to have him stick out his hand making me flinch. "I just need to know why."