Me&Him

H O L E S T O F I L L

I don't like talking about this. It's the part I regret. But it must be done for the next part to make sense because this mistake is what set everything up.

Ever since my ex left me in early February of the previous year ,  we'll call him Oli (the guy from day camp), I was broken, destroyed honestly. I was heart set on Oli being the love of my life I really was. I loved him with every fiber of my being I guess. When Oli left he took a piece of me with him and that left, a hole. I tired to ignore the hole I really did. I put a band aid on it March-July. That band-aid was a boy I'd been friends with since freshman year. He was a sweet kid and I really did like him. He was such a great guy but we crumbled. 

The band-aid fell off and it hurt again. I decided that putting a band-aid over the hole wasn't going to help I needed to put something in it. So I did. I picked the easiest person I could find (we're gunna label him DJ because that sounds like a douche bag name and it fits). DJ just wanted to be all over me. And after months of holding him off I just...let him. It distracted me from the fact that I was still hurting over Oli. 

But then Jackson came into my life and I didn't need DJ anymore but I was afraid of what DJ would  do if i cut it off. We went from seeing each other almost daily, making excuses as to why we couldn't hang out with our friends to maybe once a week. I was trying to limit contact. I felt like I was cheating on someone I wasn't even with yet. I felt like a dumbass. I am not proud of what I did for that month and a half I'm really not. I wish I could erase it. DJ still looks at me sometimes and makes comments that he knows only I'll get and it feels like a stab to the chest. 

It still effects my life today. I regret it but deep down I'm thankful for my mistake because if I wouldn't have made it. I wouldn't have ended up in this car that faithful Senior Lunch. The day that changed my life forever.