Beyond My Boundaries | ✔

25 - Guilt Trips

Chapter 25 - Guilt Trips

I pulled away from Carson. His face was flushed and his lips had a fading pink blur around them. The way he was looking at me could revive a thousand lives, but he only had to revive mine.

His hand was firm on my back, keeping my body close to his. He held me like I was his last breath of air and nothing could feel more wonderful than that.

The sensation in my stomach was immense. I felt absurd for feeling so strongly, so quickly. Carson made me quite literally, weak in the knees, and I couldn't reject it.

If I ever thought Brett made me feel okay with life, I was sadly mistaken. Because this, this right here... was the most okay I have ever felt since my life was taken from me. This moment would stay with me forever, and forever is exactly what I wanted this to be.

"I could never look at you differently." Carson's forehead laid into mine. His eyes were staring at the ground, and his fingers brushed up and down my spine in small motions.

"Thank you." He really has no idea how much this means to me. He would be the first to honestly tell me that he sees me no differently than he did before.

"Carson, what does this mean for us?" The thought lingered between us for a while. It was almost just a dead end question.

"Whatever you want it to be."

That sentence could change everything.

What I choose, could change everything.

"Hun, do you want blue raspberry or grape?" Carson stood in front of the slushy machine and my mouth watered.

"Both." These pregnancy cravings could be amazing or awful. This was definitely one of the more amazing ones.

I watched as he layered them throughout the plastic cup.

I could feel Gabriella kicking as if she was just as excited as myself.

My phone started ringing and I looked down at Matthew, letting go of his hand so I could dig through my purse. "Give mommy a minute."

I slid the green button on the phone and brought it to my ear.

"Hey mom." We were on our way to her house and she was always so impatient to see her grandson. I can only imagine how she'll be with Gabby.

"We'll be there soon, just stopping at a gas station."

"Mommy!" My head whipped around and I was suddenly standing outside the gas station. Matthew was in the middle of parking lot.

"Momm-" BANG.

BANG. BANG.

"MATTY!"

My body quaked and trembled as I pushed myself up. My room was dark and Carson was out cold next to me.

I took a deep breath, reminding myself that it was just a dream.

I haven't taken any sleeping pills since Brett left and I wasn't about to start now. I was determined on getting better on my own. These first few weeks have been a good start. With each night I don't take them, I find I want them less and less.

I reach for Carson's phone, tap in the lock code (he used the year, boys), and press the Pandora short cut. I've found it helpful to play some calming music when my nightmares wake me up. Usually I'd take a pill to fall back asleep, but I've had to find an alternative.