Book Reviews! (CLOSED)

New York Onions

Novel by TheWilliamBecker
Genre: Short Story

Cover: I love it!! It's so simple but the photo is just beautiful and as someone who loves photography this cover immediately caught my attention. And the title is amazingly placed, it's visible and it doesn't take attention away from the photo. Beautiful, just beautiful!

Title: New York Onions. New York Onions.

I like it.

I mean it's extremely unique and even a bit strange but it fits the story and it catches people's attention, so keep it :)

Summary (story description):

It's very short. But it's very to the point as well. It doesn't catch much attention, but I still think you should keep it since I personally think it's perfect just the way it is.

Characters: The appearance of Jessica is kept a secret and we have to find a way to interpret her personality. I'm guessing her father died and she became a bit delusional afterwards. Correct me if I'm wrong, but she stopped eating because depression, yes? Anyways even though I didn't understand her character that well I still love her.

You just write in this wonderful way that doesn't allow me to not like her :)

Plot: It leaves the readers with thousands of questions! For instance who is MH? Why was Jessica buying onions? Who was the man she blew a kiss too? I finished the story but it left me feeling empty. I mean I completely enjoyed reading it, but I want more. And according to the comments left by your readers they want more too and they are as confused, but still amazed as me.

Grammar: You don't have much grammar mistakes that deal with wrong punctuation. However you do have some instances where your sentences don't make much sense or you use the same verdict twice in a sentence. Making it seem repetitive.

Screen shot below is from Chapter 1

You use the word fumbled twice in the same sentence. Doing this can make you sound repetitive or in my case it ruins the flow of the story. I suggest changing the second fumbled into the word struggled just to take away the repetitive form.

The next mistake I found was on chapters 3

This one isn't exactly a mistake, but more along the lines of a suggestion. Here you say that the man shouted the words so I feel like there should be an exclamation point at the end of the sentence instead of a comma. It just gives off the illusion that he's actually yelling.

And finally the last problem is on Chapter 4

The underlined sentence made absolutely no sense to me. What threw me off was the but placed in the middle of the sentence. The word but usually implies there will be a transition of thought or idea, yet this one simply breaks the flow of the sentence and makes it sound like gibberish. I'm not sure how to correct this because I don't really know what you were trying to say here... so yea. Mind explaining?

Other info and or opinions:

· I read the entire thing when really I was only supposed to read the first five chapters. I couldn't help it though I got hooked

Note from me!

Overall I really enjoyed reading this story! It was beautifully constructed and it was calming as well. Although I didn't quite understand the full meaning of it I would still recommend it to anyone.

I loved reading it :)

Sorry for the long wait. Please comment any thoughts or concerns.

-Esmer