can we be complete again ( sequel to can we learn to love again)

ch6

Ch6 Sweeney's POV

"Nellie" i call after her walking into the shop. I don't know what has gotten into her she seemed fine just a moment ago. Maybe it's the hormones. When lucy was pregnant she was prone to great mood swings becoming inconsolably at times. I walked into the shop looking for eleanor i walk by her bedroom wear the door is wide open i see her huddled over the toilet vomiting i come behind her moving her thick curls out of the way after a moment she takes deep breaths calming herself.

"Get away from me" she says suddenly shaking me off of her she stand up and wipes her face with a towel backing away from me suddenly.

"nell please" i say and she just shakes her head at my placing her had over her stomach as if i might hurt her or the baby.

"You can see your child sweeny but things aren't as they were, it's nothing much for you to hurt me but i won't let you hurt this child" she states tears running down her face. I look down at the floor ashamed, i've hurt her so many times.

"I'm sorry, i won't ever hurt you will never again or the child" i state sadly i can't imagine how she is feeling right now. I keep wanting things to go back to the way they were but they can not after what i did. I could have killed my own child and that would have been the second time, i almost killed johanna if it wasn't for nellie screaming i would have.

"Im sorry ill.. I'll just give you privacy, i'll be in my shop if you need me" i say defeated i walk out of the room i can still feel her big brown eyes baring into me as i leave. I walk up to the shop and slam the door shut lacking it behind me. I should open but i fear if i haven't customers i may kill them and i don't want nellie to half to deal with the body's while she pregnant.

"Bloody idiot" i mumble to myself the last thing nellie needs is more stress and hear i am scaring her to death. Maybe she should have stayed at her parents place she would be away from me.

"A monster" i say as i look in the reflection of a hand held mirror on my desk. I really am a monster. There are times i wish i would get caught and thrown in a asylum maybe there is something wrong with me, i know there is but i wasn't always.

" excuse me sir.. Sir could you spare a coin sir" an old woman says coming up to me she long matted black hair has streaks of gray in it. Me and lucy walk through the park on our lunch break when the beggar woman comes up to us.

"Of course her you go ma'am" i say handing her some spare change from my pocket i get a small glare from lucy as i do this.

"Thank you sir thank you" she says and limps away. I feel bad for such people it makes me ever so grateful i take lucys hand in mine and we walk. She about a month or so pregnant with johanna and everything seems so right.

"What" i ask when lucy keeps looking at me. She rolls her eyes.

"You shouldn't give your money away like that, you were the one who was always worried we wouldn't have enough money for a child." she replied dropping her hand from mine and crossing them over her chest.

"My dear it was just some spare change.. Plus i've been working so hard pulling in extra hours to save up for the baby" i state pulling her close to me. I've been keeping my shop open on weekends and for an extra hour each day to get some more money, i want to give my child the best possible life.

"I know it's just oh never mind" she says brushing me off. She wiggles out of my arms and continues to walk the warm sun hitting our faces.

"It's just what pet" i say softly. I don't want to upset her knowing how unstable women can be when they're with child.

"I want more out of life ben, i want to travel shop see new things go to parties, and your so content being a barber and living in poverty" she states saying the word baber bitterly. My expression harden and saddens for a moment.

"We don't live in poverty i think we have a nice life now a little more money and a bigger house would be nice and we can get there in time" i reply keeping my composure despite the fact i'm a little hurt she did marry me even if it was arranged.

"That's the thing ben you want to little and out of life the hardest thing to get"she says and i sigh defeated it's no use fighting with her it will only upset her. We walk the rest of the way home and she lays down to rest in the back room while i open up the shop.

I look away from the mirror on the dresser and begine to pace how naive i was, thinking everything would be alright thinking me and lucy could be content and happy. I look out the big window the sun that was just peeking out earlier is now covered by thick heavy clouds i watch people walk by how is it that so many people can be so optimistic and naive. If only i would have opened up my eyes , i just hope it's not too late to save me and nellie