The Mistake

Escape

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Who would've known every decision I've ever made would get me here? I should've been smarter, more careful.

I never knew one stupid mistake could change everything.

***

I stood in front of the mirror, staring at the bottle of pills in my hand. I let out a shaky breath as I looked up at my haunting reflection, still clutching the small orange bottle tightly.

Flinching, my eyes roamed over the girl in front of me. I barely recognized what I saw. Swollen eyes stared back at me. Dark circles showcased my weariness, and tangled locks of dark hair framed my face. This wasn't me. A few weeks ago, I felt happy.

How had I ended up here? How had everything in my life gone so wrong? I couldn't take it anymore. The pain was just too much.. the memories too vivid and real. I was all alone. No one cared, at least not enough. My heart ached deeply, it had been less than weeks before my entire world became flooded with pain and heartache.

It was all I knew now.

Did I deserve this? I felt so stupid. I've messed up too many times to think I could get away from this unscathed, and just be happy.

I wanted to end the pain, end the heartache that came each passing second.

I wasn't strong, I wasn't what everyone thought I was, what everyone expected me to be. And I hated myself for it. I was done faking the smile on my face, hoping no one would be smart enough, or no one would care enough, to call my bluff. I guess I'm not as bad a liar as you thought, huh?

I slid down to the bathroom floor with my back pressed against the wall as I thought of the bitter irony in that sentence. A silent tear dripped onto my bare arms which were busy hugging my knees to my chest.

I couldn't keep going. I wanted to escape my dreaded thoughts and shut every emotion out. To be able to get away from the pain. That's all I've wanted in the first place. It would be so much easier to just let go.

Not really in my full sanity, I unscrewed the lid on the bottle and scattered the pills on my hand, but I didn't care anymore. The only thing I'd been holding on to was the beautiful, simple idea of just letting go. Not having to feel anything anymore. To just escape for a little while.

Just escape.

***

Months before...

The fresh, crisp air hit me and I breathed it in, welcoming the sudden chill. The weather here felt so different, the street where I ran still felt weird at times. I hadn't gotten used to this place yet, even though we'd moved in over two weeks ago.

I rubbed the sore spot on my shoulder, plugging in my earphones afterwards and hit shuffle on my playlist. The beat pulsed through me, encouraging me to move my legs and shake the drowsiness off. God knows I needed it, especially today. Trying to calm myself, I banned tomorrow's concerns out of my head.