The Mistake

Bonfire

Digging my bare feet in the sand, I sighed in frustration. The loud music had drowned out just a little, but the voices and endless chatter overlapped it. Even I could hear them, though I had put some distance between me and the bonfire. But, fortunately, the beach was filled with large boulders and where I was sitting almost completely blocked their view. But I could still see them clearly, if I squinted hard enough.

Before leaving for the bonfire, Cami had come over and insisted she help pick out an outfit for me. I told her I was fine with just some jeans and a nice t-shirt, but she shook her head and went into my closet, determined to find a cuter outfit.

She had picked out some high-waisted denim cutoffs that I hadn't worn in a while. I was actually surprised they still fit me. Paired with a white lace crop tank and brown sandals, the whole thing looked kind of cute. I brushed through my dark hair, and it fell in soft beachy waves. I beamed when I saw it wasn't frizzy for the first time in ages, although I wished I had longer hair. It was bra-strap length, and I seriously regretted cutting so much of it off after school last year.

I'd taken my meds just before heading out, praying they wouldn't fail me tonight. "Are you sure you want to go tonight? You don't have to if you're uncomfortable, or not ready for this." My mother had given me a way out, clearly worried about me, but I was already leaving, and Cam wanted to go, I couldn't break my promise, no matter how hard I knew it would be for me.

"It's okay, mom. I'll be back early, okay?" I'd smiled reassuringly at her as I waved goodbye and left with Camila.

I really regretted that now.

The cool sand was smooth and comforting against my skin as I sat close to the water, the sound of waves crashing on the shore like a sweet symphony to my ears. The ocean seemed to stretch out for miles, the glassy moon shimmering on the surface.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, once again asking myself why I was like this. Why I had changed so much, and why these feelings of insecurity, of not being good enough, seemed to consume me. I'd given up on trying to find an answer a long time ago.

I turned towards the bonfire again, unconsciously searching for Jacob or Camila. But there were too many people, drinking beer, dancing and talking and flirting and doing all the things I wish I was brave enough to do. But they were nowhere to be found.

I couldn't help but feel a little anger towards Cami. She's the one who asked me to come with her here, all because she didn't want to show up alone. When we arrived, she appeared to be even more nervous and jittery than I was. There were already a lot of people there, so we kind of blended in, and we talked for a while.

Turns out, not five minutes into the bonfire, she'd disappeared with some guy, leaving me completely alone.

I stood there awkwardly while a kind girl with a pixie cut tried to talk to me. I tried, I really did the best I could to keep the conversation going and not make it seem like I was the coldest person in the bonfire, but apparently, I hadn't tried hard enough; she left after a good two minutes of me being awkward and distant.

I scolded myself, but it was no use. So I stayed there, waiting for Cami to show up.

A skinny boy offered me a beer later on, and that's when I realized I just couldn't be there, I shook my head and walked away from the bonfire, desperate to be alone. Not that anyone noticed.

And now here I was, alone at the edge of the shore. I thought about how much longer I'd have to be here, on the lookout for Cami so when she first appeared, I'd be able to snatch her away and leave. I just hoped it wouldn't be long.