The Mistake

Losing It

My hands started sweating and my pulse quickened. Calm down, Sam. Don't panic.

Where were my pills? I always had them in my backpack. How could I lose them already? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Mom!" I called out, unable to disguise the shakiness in my voice. I felt like a little kid crying out to her mother because she was afraid. My mother burst through the hall and into my room in her pajamas a second later.

"What's wrong? What is it, Sam?" She asked, concern in her sleepy eyes as she took a closer look at my spilled books and notebooks.

I hesitated before answering. She looked so tired and worn out, and I had woken her up because I was scared over something so insignificant. "My- my pills. I can't find them." My mother breathed a sigh of relief and sat down next to me on the bed, but my breathing didn't slow. "Mom, I can't- I can't do this without them."

"Calm down, it's okay. I'll help you look for them." She said and patted my hair tenderly, trying to calm me. But I couldn't. "They must be around here somewhere, don't worry."

She helped me look, but ten minutes later, it was clear it wasn't here. We had looked under the bed, the closet, the bathroom. By this point, I was already slightly losing it.

Despite my mind battling against my thoughts and body that it didn't matter, that it was irrational to be so upset over some stupid lost pills, it felt like my own thoughts drowned those arguments out.

My mom looked worried, and her eyebrows creased. The lines around her eyes had become more visible now, only adding to her stress. It was degrading, having to ask my tired mother for help. But I couldn't do it on my own. I didn't know what I'd done without her.

I hadn't noticed I had collapsed on the floor and was hugging my knees to my chest, trembling. My mom knelt down next to me ns hugged me. "It's all in your head, Sam. It's okay. It's okay..." she kept telling me. There was nothing else she could do. "I'll call the doctor and ask for another prescription tomorrow, alright?" She kept whispering comforting things to me, but no matter how hard I tried, it fell on deaf ears.

It wasn't okay... I wasn't okay. It was wrong that I depended on my pills everyday to keep from having a panic attack. Everything in my life wasn't okay. It never was.

The day seemed to stretch on forever. I was painfully aware of each second gone by in this history classroom, every look and every touch and every word spoken to me by anyone sent me into an alert state.

I even ignored Alex today. He came up to me with the sweetest smile, but he was with a couple of his friends. I turned away and walked a little faster to my next class. But before I did, I saw a confused expression on his face. Who would ever want to ignore him? He was so nice to me, probably the only friend I had made, aside from Cami, and I ignored him blatantly.

"Hopefully you all are finished with your essays. One member of my choosing of each team will pass to the front and briefly present your papers to us." Ms. Torres blabbed on. "Mackenzie Huntington, you're up." My mind drifted off to Cami suddenly.

I didn't know why, but I had avoided her the last couple of days too. Maybe I was embarrassed, or maybe I felt like she just didn't care about me at all, but I wasn't really thrilled at the idea of being with her. I didn't want to burden her anymore with my problems, she had made it clear she thought I was a drama queen.

The anxiety was taking over. As hard as I tried to shove the pessimistic, overthinking thoughts into the darkest corner of my brain, they still managed to wriggle out and take over me. It frustrated me because I knew these weren't part of me. I didn't choose to think these or feel this way, I was just stuck with them.