Amnesty | Book 4

f i f t y t w o

BRUCE
After hanging up the phone with Cheri, I swear all I could hear was the inner me telling myself not to be mad with her only because she was only thinking of the children. But at times, I really wished she would just mind her business and focus on her instead of everybody else. I know she's just being a big sister, but still, man. Damn.

    Staring at the blue sky, I sit down in my lounge chair for a moment, fully aware that Shakil was in the house and in the kitchen preparing dinner for us. I scratched my head, thinking of how things were happening in my life for me.

    It kind of upset me how one day, I could be perfectly healthy with my whole entire life well put together only to be told that I was suffering from cancer and getting a divorce. It wasn't like I didn't know where I went wrong. I knew exactly where I had gone wrong. I'd gone wrong with Gabby. It was the truth. And even though I was tempted, I entertained against God's wishes and turned my situation into something that possibly could've been avoided if only I was being real with myself and realizing that I was only contaminating Tereny's life.

    I honestly believed that if I would've been real with myself, Gabby would've still been here, I probably wouldn't have been sick, and it could've been me and her this time. But because I decided to seek love elsewhere, all of this shit was happening when it all could've been avoided. I knew that exactly.

    There was nothing that I could do to turn back the hands of time, but what I could do was start trying to make things right. I don't believe that this marriage was a good idea and it probably was never a good idea in the first place. But I believed that I was in love and that Tereny was the love of my life. Part of me believed that I couldn't see myself without her and Britney. Now, I realized that I did some pretty fucked up things to her. It sucks that it took all of this shit to happen for me to realize.

    The best thing to do is release her from the pain. I was the pain. I was the cause of many of her hurts. And who am I really fooling? I love Tereny with every ounce of blood in my body. I love her too much. I guess I'm just hurt more than anything that she would actually want to divorce me. But could you blame her? I treated her like a disease when all she really needed was for me to be there for her in her time of need.

    She's been through so much in her life and even when she felt the best thing to do was give up, she never did. She kept pushing. Times did get hard for her, but with encouragement, she kept striving. I was the weak one, for real. Tereny is and has always been strong. I'll agree to be the fool.

    With all of this shit going on, all I'm really thinking about is myself and I didn't really realize it until I heard Cheri crying on my phone. I suck at being a brother and I suck at being a husband. I also even suck at being a friend.

    Getting up from the lounge chair, I opened the glass door and put my hands in the pocket of my thermal jacket, allowing for the door to close behind me. Shakil was in the kitchen humming a tune as she did what she was doing. I sighed, walking inside of the kitchen, taking a deep breath before opening my mouth to say something that I just might regret afterwards, but it was a start.

    "Shakil, I think you should leave."

    Once the words came from my mouth, I knew that there was no taking them back. Especially when she turned around, bringing her attention from the stove and to me, looking confused. And I didn't mean what I said in a mean way at all. I meant it in the most nicest way possible.

    "Huh?" She asked for clearance, I assume.

    "I said, I think you should leave." I repeat.

    "Why?" She turned her whole plus size figure to me.

    I rubbed the itch from underneath my right eye and hissed in air, it quickly cooling my teeth. I really didn't want any hard feelings between me and her. She did come down all this way because she thought someone should be here to care for me since she was off for a full four days, but I honestly didn't need her here. Just wanting some company was my reason for wanting her to be here. I really didn't need anyone here taking care of me when I could do it all on my own.