Non-stop •Mute Alex•

Alexander

co-written by OwlWithAHat

Alexander's P.O.V
Something was obviously going on with Lafayette, but if he really wanted us to know he would have told us. My only goal was just to not get in anyone's way that day.

First day back in a while.. let's hope everything goes according to plan. I'll turn in whatever homework I was able to get done, have a fun lunch with my friends, go home to find James left me another note, and make myself some grilled cheese without burning the house down. I'm perfectly happy with that life.

My thoughts were interrupted by someone yelling my name. I turned around to be confronted with Aaron.

"Hello! You've been gone quite a while. Almost as if you fell of the planet for a bit." He said and laughed uncomfortably, scratching the back of his head. "Uh, a-are you alright?" He asked, to which I nodded hesitantly.

I had gotten so used to talking in the past few days that not talking now felt strange. But me, being stubborn, still refused to talk to people who I didn't know well.

I heard the five minute bell go off and rushed to my locker, putting away the books that were saved during the fire and taking out the ones I needed for first hour.

Classes went by in a blur, almost as if they didn't happen at all. I had missed so much in only a few days.

Let me think, Tuesday is when it happened, so I was in the hospital for four days, three of them being school days. I missed three days of school and am completely lost.

At the end of History class, Mr. Washington called me to his desk. "Is everything alright? You weren't here for almost all of last week. Do you need anything?" I shook my head and gave him a thumbs up. He just sighed in response and waved me off.

Lunch was the highest and lowest point of my day. Favorite school lunch, as good as it can get, which isn't very good in the first place. A bunch of people staring at my arrival? Not very appealing.

Apparently quite a few people heard about my incident, some even looked concerned as I passed the tables. I suddenly lost my appetite and gave my food to Hercules. He was quite happy to be getting another tray of nuggets and tater tots. I was just glad they weren't getting wasted.

I took out my notebook to write down some things. Nothing specific usually, just current thoughts. My mind went from the fire to Lafayette to Usnavi, and finally to my body. My disgusting ugly body. How could anyone be friends with me?

"Guys, I'm heading to the bathroom." I said quickly, which earned me a few worried glances from John and Lafayette. I shook it off and hurried to the bathroom where I could find peace and quiet to collect my thoughts.

"Hey, mute." Someone shouted at me. I turned around to be faced by Thomas Jefferson once again. His hair was unusually messy, and he smelled faintly of alcohol. "I see you're back from the dead. How does it feel? You know, almost dying? Almost having your dreams come true? So close to death but you're still here. Such a shame." He finished, walking away.

"Hey!" Someone from behind me shouted. "Keep your insults to yourself unless you want a face full of regret."

"Yeah! Get fucked, Jefferson!"

I turn to the two that called him out, it was John and Hercules. "Guys, please don't start something." I plead.

"He speaks!" Jefferson shouted, mockingly.

"Man, you can't let him harass you like this!" John told me.

"I'm only saying what's true and what he deserves. Everything else is kept locked up unless he's man - or should I say woman enough to tell you." Thomas says sharply. "You shouldn't even be allowed in here, get out."

I cower behind John. "Guys let's just go, he's not gonna stop." I sat in a small voice.

"Well he will if we make him." Hercules pipes up.

I pull Hercules's arm towards the bathroom door, but he's as stable as a rock. I figured that they'd fight him, so I did the only thing I thought was reasonable at the time.

"If you fight Jefferson, I'm pulling away from the gang." I said calmly.

John looked at me confused, "No you're not. We're best friends. You wouldn't do that..."

I don't say anything, I just pull them both out of the bathroom. I hear Jefferson laugh as we get towards the door.

"Just don't fight him and you won't need to worry about it." I said.

When we finally get back to the lunch room John turned to me, "It could have been all over right there!"

"Yeah, it could've been. But I'm not going to let you guys get in trouble for beating up Jefferson when he's the one that deserves punishment."

"Man, you use the most childish ways to get what you want. The funny thing is that it works.." Hercules said.

When we got back to the table, Lafayette almost fell out of his seat. I guess he was excited to see us?

"So did anything happen?" He asked nervously, to which I shook my head no. He let out a sigh of relief, "good. I don't know what I'd do if you guys were grounded for pummeling someone like him."

"Eh, you'd probably just come to my house." I said nonchalantly.

There were some pauses where everyone was doing their own thing. Eventually, John piped up. "GUYS, I JUST GOT THE EMAIL!"

I looked at him strangely. What email? Everyone else seemed to be super excited, but I was sitting in confusion. No one bothered to tell me what 'the email' was until the excitement dialed down.

"Uh, guys?" I questioned. They all looked at me. "What's 'the email?'" I ask finally.

"The email! That admits me to transfer for a few months as an exchange student! Didn't I tell you?" He asks.

"No John, you didn't. I seem to remember you telling us you don't hang out with him enough to tell him." Lafayette says.

John gets upset looking at me and seeing the unsureness in my eyes. "When did I say that?"

"You texted ze group." He said plainly, pulling out their texts. Thanks John.

I looked at him, slightly annoyed that he didn't think we were close enough to tell me such important things, even if it was true at the time.

Was he weirded out by the fact that I'm trapped in the wrong body? Are the testosterone pills not working? Was it all just a hoax? Am I a joke to him?

I patted my pocket hysterically, but failed to do find it. Calm down, Alexander, no need to fuss. I managed to fix my composure and asked John, "Well, where are you going?"

"I don't know yet. The email only says I've been accepted. I could be going anywhere from a different state to a different country. Maybe I'll go to Italy, or France, or Spain!" He said, getting all excited.

You could see his eyes radiating with eagerness. His gentle but tight brown curls fall lightly over his shoulders and his T-shirt being just tight enough to show his muscular body through it.

Ugh stop it stop it stop itttt. He's gay and I'm not really a boy. Get your head on straight before he fucking kicks your ass back to Burr's table.

I hate the voice in my head, and it's more prominent than I'd like to admit. Everyone's is different, their voice.. it's you, but it's not. It's like a separate personality, you never know when it's coming or what it'll do when it finally takes over.

Mine.. mine is plotting most of the time. It's been worse lately, every misfortune I encounter is a dull blade tearing into my mind. It takes time to remove the dagger, but the wound remains fragile, easily opened should something happen. If my mind was a person, it would look more like a porcupine than a human. The other side, however, the one that festers self hatred and doubt like a fungus thrives in the dark environment that is my life.

I want to stop it, I don't want to be like this, but that side is stronger. I'm not dead yet, even if that side might prefer that I was. Thanks to my friends, I'm still alive and well--for the most part anyway.