Non-stop •Mute Alex•

Alexander

Y I K E S

Back again are we?

I just realized that there were two Lafayette chapters in a row that were in between the Alexander chapters I sowwy.

TW: references to self harm

Co-written by OwlWithAHat

Alexander's P.O.V
I woke up to Lafayette and I sleeping on the couch. He was hugging me tightly, as if he was trying to protect me. Aw.

Getting up was a struggle since we fell asleep sitting up. My back was in excruciating pain. I just figured walking it off would be the best thing.

In the kitchen I found James with his head in his arms on the counter, a half drunk bottle of beer next to him. He passed out drunk again. Not out of the norm, but definitely not all the time. It still sometimes surprises me when this happens, because dad was most definitely opposite of him.

When dad got drunk, he was a mad, abusive drunk. He beat all three of us. Mom, James and I, that is. That's about when the self harm started.

After a few weeks, the scars started growing every time I went home. It was a form of comfort. Now I look at my pink horizontal scars and feel nothing but regret. The bad thing is I still struggled to keep clean. The longest I had gone was a week without cutting. Now, my wrists were throbbing for a sharp object to slice them.

But I can't. I'm almost 7 days clean. I need to distract myself with something.

I went back to the couch to look for my phone, but couldn't find it. I looked in between the cushions, on BOTH sides of the couch, and behind it. That's when I thought oh boy, Laf must be sleeping on it.

I gently moved him, still managing to wake him up. Shit. "Hey Laf." I said sheepishly.

"Mmmmm, hello." He said stretching. "Why are you so close?" He asked and grabbed me by my sides to pick me up.

He flopped me on the couch next to him and tickled me slightly. "Man th-that's not what I was trying to d-do." I said in between giggles. I accidentally kicked him in the side when I was thrashing. "Oops, sorry.." I said.

James walked into the living room, hungover. "Man, can you stop being coupley? Please? I have a massive headache."

"What do you mean 'coupley things', James?" I asked. I looked over at Lafayette and he had his mouth resting in his hand, his face a light pink color. "What's he talking about?"

"It's nothing I assure you." He said quickly. "Nothing at all. Here is your phone." He said. I looked at him and he laughed nervously.

Looking at my phone it was opened to James's Instagram. The last thing on my brothers profile was a picture of me and Lafayette sleeping together captioned, "My brother and his boyfriend." I facepalmed.

My heart started to beat out of my chest when I read the comments. It was between James and the crew. 'Boyfriend?' 'Yep' 'congrats?' 'since when?' and so on.

"Alexander.." Lafayette started.

"Awe come on, you know what I'm talking about." James said. I looked at Lafayette who was silent and shifting between feet.

"James! You know I like John so why would you even do that?" I yelled. Do I still have a chance with John? Will he believe me when I say we're not dating? Probably not since we're so close.

All of these thoughts started floating around in my head. Lafayette rested his hand on my shoulder, "Calm down, it's not the end of the world." He said.

"I mean you guys basically are a thing so why is it such a big deal?" James asked.

"Shut up James." Lafayette said, obviously hurt as well. Lafayette and I walked upstairs to my bed.

I fell face first into my pillow and groaned loudly. "Why is James an ass?" I asked with a muffled voice.

"Because that's what brothers are for." Lafayette said simply while sitting at the foot of my bed.

"But I can tell John likes me, and that's why I'm upset! Like, is he gonna think we're dating now? Fucking James..." I said.

Yeah, I can tell if someone is interested usually. I wasn't 100% sure with John, but there are always those little clues. The way he looks at me if I'm not wearing my binder. He doesn't look at my boobs, he looks at my eyes. He seems genuinely interested when talking to me. His face just seemed to light up when he talked to me.

The only downside to this is that he was completely different when he was with the squad. Which caused some confusion. Is he leading me on? Is he only being nice to me? Does he just need someone to copy homework off of?

This was my biggest fear. Being left alone after you've already fallen is the worst feeling in the world. It's like being left alone in the ocean after falling out of your boat. It's like your other half leaving you in the middle of a performance when it's a duet. It's like showing up to a date and being blown off.

You feel so lonely and forgotten that you don't notice your body slowly deteriorating over the feeling of your heart beating out of your chest.

"Alexander." Lafayette said, pulling me out of my thoughts by rubbing my back. I shiver and sit up, rubbing my eyes.

"I just want to live a normal life as a teenage boy. But no, I had to have a tragic life. I had to be born in this body. I had to fall for a confusing dude. Why is this me?" I ask, leaning my head on Lafayette's chest.

"Mon Ami, I don't have an answer for you. But I'm always here to talk." He said quietly.

"What would I do without you, Lafayette?" I asked. Lafayette chuckled and continued rubbing my back until I felt better.