What My Girlfriend Doesn't Know (Boyxboy)

Chapter 32

Chapter. 32

N A T H E N

"Thanks," I muttered to the guy who handed me the two smoothies - Strawberry for me, and Coconut Pineapple for Tracy. My hand trembled a bit as I gave him the ten dollar bill.

"You alright, Nate?" He asked. At first I was confused as to how he knows my name, but then as I got a better look at him I realized he goes to our school. He was in my gym class last year I think. Cool guy, stays out of drama, keeps to himself most of the time if I remember correctly.

"Yeah," I nodded as he gave me the change. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks."

He gave me a small smile, and shrugged. Taking a deep breath, I held the cold smoothies as I looked over my shoulder at Tracy who was patiently seated at a round table in the food court. She was playing with her hair, gently brushing it out with her fingers as she stared at nothing in particular.

This is it. I have to tell her. I have to.

"Tracy, I have to tell you something..." I whispered to myself, trailing off as I slowly walked over to her. Pursing my lips, I realized how incredibly pathetic I felt right now.

I know exactly how this is going to go down. She's going to question me. Why? Why would I break up with her after all these years of being with her.

'I thought we were perfect together,' she would say. By this point, she would probably start tearing up. And I know - because I'm a coward, I would just sit there, silent, not knowing what to do. At that point, this is where I'd wish I was Trevor. Trevor's not afraid to speak his mind. He's not afraid to talk, to put people straight. He's not afraid to hurt people. If he has to do it, then he will.

I took another deep breath, and sat down across from her. She looked up when she noticed me, and flashed me a huge grin - her eyes brightening when she saw her smoothie.

"Aw, yes. Thanks babe!" I handed her the drink, and she took a small sip.

"You're welcome," I said, uneasy. Tracy noticed my discomfort, and raised an eyebrow. The mall was pretty busy today, and we were surrounded by voices and noise throughout the food court.

"Babe?" She tucked her hair behind her ears, a slight frown tugging at her face. "Are you okay? You seem kind of... not yourself, lately."

Tell me about it. "No, I'm... uh, I'm fine, Tracy. I just--"

"Just what?"

I bit my lip, the anxiety covering me like a fucking blanket at this point. What am I supposed to do? How do you break up with someone you've been with for so long? How do you simply end everything you two had together?

She can't know anything about Trevor and I. She can't.

"Nate?" Tracy pressed. "Nathen, you know you can tell me anything, right? What's bothering you?"

My palms were sweating. I wiped them on my jeans, grimacing at how pathetic I was feeling. This is killing me.

"Tracy..." I started, swallowing the huge lump in my throat. "Tracy, I..."

Tracy blinked, leaning a little more forward. "Nate...?"

"I can't do this anymore," I blurted out, and my eyes bulged out of my head as soon as those words came out of my fucking stupid mouth. Shit.

I watched as Tracy looked confused, tilting her head to the side as she stared at me. "What do you mean?"

"I mean... I'm...." I looked down at my lap, avoiding her eyes. "I'm... breaking up with you."

I realized I was biting my lip so hard that I could now taste blood. Licking them, I noticed that Tracy hasn't said anything. So I looked up, only to meet her blank face as she looked at me.

"Tracy? You okay?" I asked, slowly. My heart was pounding.

"You're joking, right? Nate, you're not being serious right now," she muttered, her bottom lip quivering slightly. "Tell me you're joking, please."

I didn't answer. Tracy's mouth fell open, and she looked at me with a mixture of disbelief and anger.

"Nathen. Why?" She demanded. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing!" I said, quickly. "Tracy, come on, it's not you--"

"It's not you, it's me, right?" She rolled her eyes. "Are you fucking serious?"

I blinked. Okay, I was not expecting her to get so upset. I shut my eyes for a second, and opened them to see Tracy glaring at me.

"Why are you suddenly deciding to break up with me, Nathen?" She snapped. "We've been together for almost four years. I thought we were going to move to New York together! Remember? We had our whole lives planned, and you're just going to fucking end it all over a.. over a fucking smoothie? CUTE, Nate."

I sighed. "Tracy, you don't understand-"

"What?" She demanded. "Is there another girl in the picture or something?" And then her expression totally changed.

"Nathen... is that why you've been acting so weird lately? Have you been.. cheating on me?"

"NO," I snapped. "Tracy, calm down, okay? There's no girl, and I wasn't fucking cheating on you. Alright? I would never do that to you!"

"Oh," she relaxed a bit, except the tension in her eyes remained fixated on me. "So, what the hell then? I'm so confused, Nathen! Tell me why you're doing this to me! To us!" Her eyes were welling up in tears, and I wanted to stab myself in the face right now because of how incredibly guilty and horrible I was feeling.

"Tracy, please understand. I... just... don't love you anymore. Okay?"

Tracy's entire face fell, and she frowned at me. Broken, she looked. I closed my eyes, wanting to escape this fucking nightmare.

"You don't love me?"

I shook my head. "I'm really sorry. Tracy. I do still love you, just... just not like how you want me to."

Suddenly she let out a bitter laugh. "Oh, right, let's stay friends and shit."

I opened my eyes, and gave her a pleading look. "Please? I don't want you to get out of my life. I want you to stay in it, just not as my girlfriend."

Tracy stared at me, slowly shaking her head. I sighed. "I can't believe this," she muttered. She grabbed her purse, and shuffled out of her chair, in a hurry to leave. I quickly bolted from my seat and grabbed her arm.

"Nate," she yanked her arm away, and gave me a dirty look. "No. Don't pull this bullshit with me. I'm going to need some space, some time to think about all of this before I can even think about seeing your face again. Okay?"

I frowned, and shoved my hands in my pockets. "Come on, Tracy. Don't be like that..."

"No. Fuck you." She started walking away, and I noticed some random eyes were on us the whole time.

"TRACY!" I shouted after her, yanking my fingers through my hair in frustration. "TRACY, PLEASE!"

She didn't bother looking back, and kept walking straight ahead, passed all the crowds of people. I watched as my girlfriend walked away, possibly out of my life all together. Gritting my teeth, I slumped back into the chair, burrying my face in my hands.

What the fuck have I done?