A Candle in the Darkness (A Dragon Age: Inquisition fanfiction)

A Very Beautiful Mule

25 Solace, 9:44

Cullen woke from a nightmare with a start. By now, it was reflex to immediately check to see if he had awakened Antonia, but she was sleeping deeply. He settled himself more comfortably next to her, where he could watch her face in the dim starlight that came from the partially uncovered windows.

Outside, he could hear the soft footfalls of the men he had assigned for her protection. Cullen had never liked Orlais, and he didn't trust anyone at this Exalted Council—he wasn't even sure if he excepted their companions, present and former. Everyone had scattered enough over the past couple of years that all their motives and desires were suspect at this point.

Antonia sighed in her sleep, turning in his direction and nuzzling against his shoulder. Cullen couldn't help smiling at the sight of her. Nearly two years married and he still couldn't get used to the idea that this was his wife, that this extraordinary woman had not only pledged to join her life with his but had borne his child.

It had been as difficult for him to leave their son behind as it had been for Antonia. Secretly, he had been relieved that she'd had such trouble, because helping her had kept him from insisting that they all stay at Skyhold with the baby and just not go to this Council.

Josephine would never have allowed that, and he trusted the ambassador's instincts. They needed to get this Council behind them, to put to rest the concerns of Ferelden and Orlais. Either country could cause them a significant amount of trouble if it wished to, positioned as they were on the border of both. He only wished he believed they could actually put the concerns of both countries to rest; it seemed an impossible task, even for Antonia, who had already performed so many impossible tasks. Didn't she deserve a rest at some point?

He was worried about her. She had been tired and drawn this past month. Vel's birth had been a difficult one, her recovery long and slow. Between her state of health and the Anchor, she hadn't been able to breast-feed the baby, and Cullen knew she felt that loss keenly. She had been recovering some of her energy, he'd thought, the dark circles starting to fade from under her eyes, until the past few weeks, when all the exhaustion seemed to come back in a rush. There was something going on with the Anchor, as well; she had been trying to hide it from him, but not successfully.

Antonia stirred in his arms, clearing her throat. "Nightmare?"

"As usual," he said softly, holding very still so she could go back to sleep. He hated to disturb her rest, especially with such a big day ahead of them. The Council wouldn't start until tomorrow, but today she wanted to catch up with all their friends, needed to talk to the principal delegates from each country to determine what their ultimate goals might be, and tonight there would be the party of Varric's that would stretch late into the night.

"Bad timing," Antonia whispered.

"You can sleep; I'm fine."

"I'll say you are." She chuckled low in her throat, her lips moving up the side of his neck in a way that clearly said she'd lost any further interest in sleep.

Cullen hummed in appreciation as she shifted on top of him and stripped off her nightshirt, dropping it on the floor next to the bed. Across the room, lying near the fireplace, Phoenix gave a groan that sounded suspiciously like "Again?!" and curled up more tightly, his tail tucked around his head to cover his eyes and ears.

The humans in the bed ignored him entirely. Cullen ran his hands slowly up his lovely wife's sides, cupping her breasts. They seemed larger than usual, heavy in his hands, and Antonia sucked in a breath as he pressed them lightly.

"Careful," she murmured. "Sensitive."

That she meant it was evident in the way her hands came up to drag his away as soon as he touched her again.

"That sensitive?" Cullen frowned.

"Uh-huh." Antonia slid off him, the mood gone, apparently. "Cullen? Can I tell you something?"

This on top of her other discomforts, especially given her half-fearful tone, raised what had been concern several notches higher. He worked hard to keep it out of his voice, however. "Anything, my light."

"I didn't want to tell you until I was sure, but the last few days, I ... I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant," he echoed blankly. That certainly explained all the symptoms, except for the issue with the Anchor. You would think he would have known, but he hadn't thought it was possible— "Haven't you been taking the tea? I could have sworn I saw you ..."

"Poured it out." She bit her lip, glancing at him. "Are—aren't you happy?"

He reached for her, pulling her into his arms. "You know I want to be. Outside of being your husband, being Vel's father has been the greatest joy of my life. But you remember what Dorian told you after Vel was born?" Maker knew Cullen did. Dorian had been present at Vel's birth, and he and the midwives had had all they could do to get both mother and baby through alive. Vividly, Cullen remembered the days afterward, the hemorrhage that had nearly taken her life, the weakness in her after the toll the pregnancy and the birth had taken on her, the months of recovery. He swallowed, burying his face in her hair and holding her tightly. "I won't lie to you, love, right now I'm more frightened than anything else."

Antonia nodded against his shoulder. "I know. I am, too ... or I was at first. But—you know I was an only child, rattling around alone in that big house, neglected and left to my own devices, and I don't want that for my son. I want—what you had, the big noisy family and the love all around you. It's put its mark on you."

"I want that, too, but not at the cost of your life."

"It'll be different this time. I promise."

"You're already exhausted, and we haven't even begun this bloody Council. Why didn't you tell me before we came?"

"You know you would never have let me come if you'd known." Antonia pushed away from him, picking up her nightshirt from the floor and putting it back on. She stood in front of the window, rubbing her hands over her arms. "We can't put this off; it has to be dealt with. If even Cassandra couldn't hold them back from this, that means there really is no other choice." She sighed. "The timing could have been better, but I couldn't have predicted when I would conceive, now, could I?"

Cullen took a deep, shuddering breath. Even after all this time, the very idea of losing her was unthinkable. How could she have done this, taken such a drastic chance with her life, without even discussing it with him?

She was looking at him over her shoulder, and she answered his unspoken question softly. "Because you would have said no. And I wanted this. More than I can possibly say. Can you forgive me?"

He was no proof against her honesty. Getting up from the bed, he walked to her, folding his arms around her. Antonia laid her head back against his shoulder with a sigh of relief. "On two conditions," he said.

"What?"

"One, that as soon as this baby is born we take steps to make sure there won't be any more. I hate to do it, love, you know that, but I won't take any more chances with your life. Dorian said something to me about it after Vel, but ... If we want more, I'm more than willing to consider adopting; all this war has doubtless left many orphans in need of homes."

She sighed, but she nodded, too, whispering, "All right. And two?"

"Two—you take care of yourself. That means taking breaks when you need them, and listening to the good advice of your friends and loved ones and caregivers."

"You make me sound stubborn and unreasonable."

"As a mule, my darling. As a very beautiful mule."

Laughing, Antonia turned in his arms and lifted her face for his kiss. "I promise."