Never Been Fixed (Demi Lovato)

Chapter 12

DEMI'S POV

I woke up to the sound of Selena's adorably loud snores, which filled the room with the rather unappealing sound of snot and other unpleasant nose inhabitants which I really didn't care to think about.

It hadn't been Selena's foghorn-level nose emissions that had initially woken me up, though I wish it had been, as it dimmed in comparison to the real truth. No, my nightmares had come back. I used to get them all the time back before rehab. Every night, I'd stay up much after everyone else was well into a deep sleep, refusing to let myself fall back into the clutches of my passive brain, or, in other words, my terrible dreams. Dreams of blood spattered in bathtubs and swirling down drains, flashes of silver and a clink as yet another blade fell to the floor, my whimpers of despair as I watched yet another line of skin break apart into seemingly endless lines of dotted red, like a little pirate map running all over my body, each dot leading me closer and closer towards the treasure I sought; death.

I hadn't had those dreams for years, until tonight, when they must have been triggered by my almost-relapse. Images of lifeless lips and tear-stained lashes, still hearts and glassy eyes, swirled through my mind even after I had woken up, haunting my every thought. I took a sharp intake of breathe, trying to clear my brain, but the thoughts persevered. I needed to scream or yell or sob or cry, something to drown everything out, but I knew I couldn't, so I did instead what was almost quite as effective; I headed towards the piano room. I had been composing a song in my mind since yesterday, and I wanted to get it out.

I sat down at the piano bench and closed my eyes, letting my energy rush out and be absorbed by the piano, transmitting fiery, angry feelings into every key. I cleared my voice and began to sing, weak at first due to so much crying, and then slowly, stronger and stronger.

They say I'm failin' , falling through,

That I won't beat the odds.

In daylight I can drown them out,

But in dark I fall apart.

They say I'm dyin', tumbling down,

That I won't make it through,

The voices drink from my dripping tears,

My sadness is their food.

And I-I-I don't know what to do,

When all I need,

Is all of you,

And I-I-I don't know what to say,

But when you're holding me tight,

They fade away.

"Demi?" I hear. I jump, startled out of the peaceful stupor my music had brought over me.

"Hey," I said, shyly, not bothering to turn towards the voice, because I knew it was Selena's.

"That was beautiful," Selena said, "but it's fucking 4:45 AM, go back to bed!"

"I can't! I didn't take my meds last night. I'm READY TO FREAKING GO!" I yelled excitedly. "Lets do something fun!" I begged, forgetting all about last night.

"Um, okay," Selena yawned. "Why don't you take your meds first though?"

"No! I'm fine I swear!....TWISTER LET'S PLAY TWISTER OMIGOD COME ON," I shouted, running upstairs. I grabbed Twister out of the closet, and had it half unpacked and the mat unfolded by the time I got downstairs, but I stopped short when I saw Selena.

I scowled. "What's that for?" I asked, not that I didn't know the answer. I frowned at the glass of water, assortment of pills, and plate of food that Selena held out to me.