Never Been Fixed (Demi Lovato)

Chapter 25

ROBYN'S POV

Can I please die, like, right now? It's the first day of school, and honestly, I'm terrified. It's a new school with new people and new teachers, and I'm so scared that it'll be horrible, especially with my anxiety and ADHD. The only upside is that Bea will be there! I still haven't figured out what story to tell her, though. I know she doesn't at all believe the lie we told her about my parents being on vacation, because obviously why would I be transferring to a new school if they really were coming back? Thankfully, she hasn't asked me about it yet. Hopefully it'll stay that way.

I checked the time. 6:23 AM. I didn't really need to get up for another half hour or so, because we have to leave by 8:10 to get there for the warning bell just before 8:30. Closing my eyes, I attempted to fall asleep again, to no avail. I tried to scrunch down the rising anxiety in my stomach by stretching a little bit (I did gymnastics for a brief period when I was younger so I can do the splits and stuff) and then reading a chapter from Demi's book, Staying Strong, which she had given me as a gift a few days ago.

Finally, when I heard doors start to bang and showers turn on, signaling the awakening of the rest of the household (AKA Demi and Maddie), I went to my wardrobe to decide on clothes. Normally I'd just throw on skinnies and a band tee, but since it was my first day, I wanted to impress. I finally decided on my black and dark red leather jacket from Pacson, a tight fitting white and black striped three quarter length sleeved shirt which I may or may not have conned Bea into lending me a few days ago, and black T&A leggings. I french-braided my hair in what I hoped looked kind of like an Elsa-style over the shoulder braid and hooked in shiny gold earrings. Lastly, before heading out of my bedroom, I applied minimal makeup and grabbed my black ankle height Docs to put on downstairs.

Trudging down the stairs, I prayed Demi would excuse me from eating breakfast due to nerves. No such luck, apparently.

"Demi, I'm really nervous," I admitted, plopping down at the kitchen table.

"Like butterflies in your stomach kind of nervous, or I'm gonna have a panic-attack-meltdown kind of nervous?"

"Um...somewhere in between...I'm just...scared, you know?" I sighed, putting my head in my hands. "I feel like such a screw up...I have so many problems. I just...don't know how I'm going to deal with everything. Anxiety, ADHD, depression, eati-I mean, anger issues, cutting, there's so much shit going on with me and I don't want to, like, blow up with it all inside me." Shit. Total word vomit. I don't even know where that came from.

Demi stared at me as tears started to leak out of her eyes. "Robyn, is that what you really think? Listen, Princess, I haven't known you for long, and I don't know much about you, but I DO know that you are the strongest thirteen year old I know."

"If I was strong, I wouldn't have all these problems," I grumbled, slumping back in my chair. Obviously Demi was wrong. I was not strong, and I knew it. If I was strong, I could stop myself from cutting. I could stop purging. I could eat. I could control my feelings. I could pay attention to things and ignore my ADHD. I could be confident. I could...be happy. So no, I wasn't strong. Not at all.

Demi pulled up a chair and sat right in front of me. "But you are! Don't you see? You were born with these problems because God, or whatever Thing you believe in, Poseidon or Allah or The Flying Spaghetti Monster or the Yeti or Zeus, knew that you would be able to handle them. They knew that you would be able to overcome these problems with your strength, and that's why you have them. So obviously you have the strength inside of you; you just have to find it!"

I considered Demi's points. Was it possible that I could handle something like this? I guess all I could do was try. "Alright," I agreed. "But to be honest I'm still feeling just as anxious as before."