NOTHING GIRL || Remus Lupin

-Thirty Five: Over It-

Helia measured her breaths carefully as she stepped into the Room of Requirement. She walked slowly over to the Slytherin door and pushed it open. Remus's name, along with all of the others, was scrawled onto the wall in blue marker. She raised her wand, suddenly wanting emptiness, wanting a blank canvas, wanting it to go away. "Scourgify!"

She watched with an impassive expression as the writing disappeared as if she had never written it there at all. It was only then that she allowed herself to breathe.

I did it. Every tie is cut. Okay, so technically he did it, but the net result is the same.

This is good.

I am glad.

I wanted this to happen.

But... But I can't help wondering why.

Why did you do it, Remus?

What did I do wrong?

I'm not sorry. You saved yourself, even if you don't know it.

Except.

Except I am sorry.

But you will never know.

And I will never tell.

This secret dies with me.

............................

Remus hadn't seen Helia in two weeks.

She didn't come to meals, skipped all the lessons she had with the Gryffindors, skipped most lessons in fact. He knew from Sirius talking to Lin that she was still around, but the Ravenclaw was only noticeable in Remus's life by her absence.

He didn't care.

He didn't want to see her.

And he definitely didn't constantly glance at the empty seat next to him in Defence Against the Dark Arts, absentmindedly turning to share a grin with someone that wasn't there. He wondered briefly if she was missing classes to avoid him, but according to Sirius, Lin said Helia seemed more preoccupied anyway, like she was working on something. Or she was figuring out what to do since her trading chip for a werewolf had dumped her. Or not dumped her. Since they were never even going out.

Remus dragged himself up to the Gryffindor dormitory early. There was nothing left to do. His homework was neatly ordered on his bedside table. His clothes were stacked in an organised way in his draws. There was nothing. He found himself withdrawing more and more from his friends these days, craving his own company, and (most days) hating even that. Sleep was his only remaining option.

Still, he found himself waking after only an hour. Glancing at the clock, the time he dreaded every single night was displayed clearly on the mockingly smug analogue face, the time he had trained his body to wake up for and couldn't seem to unprogram from his system. The Astronomy Tower seemed to shine like a beacon in the moonlight from where he could see it out the window, like it was just waiting for him to run up the stairs and meet a blue eyed girl under the stars. He was half dressed before he remembered that that wouldn't be happening anymore.

Happy eleven o'clock, everybody. He thought numbly and fell back into bed, rolling over and trying to command sleep into his mind.

.......................

Remus was having a staring contest with a packet of Owl Pops.

They had been passed down to him by Sirius before the other boy even thought. Remus always had Owl Pops for breakfast so it was a fair assumption that today would be no different. Remus didn't know why today was any different. Okay, sure, maybe Helia had repeatedly slipped a note into the cereal box, and maybe for about nine months he had felt the tension rise every time he tipped it just in case a slip of parchment would spill out into his bowl, and maybe he felt slightly empty at the prospect of all of that tension coming to nothing now, but none of that meant he missed her.