Deceptions & Secrets

Chapter 10: Isolation

Chapter 10: Isolation

Date: Beatrice's Choosing Day is 1 year 3 months away (March)

Beatrice POV

While we were growing up, Caleb always loved school. He loved to learn; everything fascinated him. When it was our turn to speak by the fire after dinner, I usually kept pretty quiet, but Caleb would chatter on and on about all the things he had learned that day. I always thought he was born for Abnegation, but now, looking back over a year after losing my twin brother, I see these little glimpses of Erudite in him. I suppose now, I will never know. And, as always, I was too caught up in myself to notice that about my brother-- I really was never made for Abnegation.

None of that ever occurred to me, until Mother began to tell me more about herself and about Father-- not Marcus, but my real father, the one who actually deserved such an important title, the best man I have ever known. Father, it turns out, was Erudite-born... and Mother was Dauntless-born.

It had never before occurred to me that either of them could have ever been anything but Abnegation, but now I notice things. I remember how opinionated Father was, how he fought to keep the calm Abnegation demeanor. I see a strength in Mother that goes beyond what you see in most Abnegation women, even see the way she holds herself, that it is Dauntless.

I stand at the window, letting the sun's rays warm me. A picture of my parents floats into my head the moment I close my eyes. Once, when I was about eleven, I stopped at the doorway to my parents' bedroom to watch them make the bed together. My father smiled at my mother as they pulled the sheets back and smoothed them down in perfect synchronicity. I knew by the way he looked at her that he held her in a higher regard than he even held himself.

No selfishness or insecurity kept him from seeing the full extent of her goodness, as it so often does with the rest of us.

My father: Erudite-born, Abnegation-grown. He often found it difficult to live up to the demands of his chosen faction, just as I do. But he tried, and he knew true selflessness when he saw it.

Knowing what I do now, it is no wonder Caleb had that thirst for knowledge. I never noticed it back then-- I have always been too selfish, never able to forget myself enough to truly and fully take in the people around me. I have never quite fit the Abnegation mold. I see some of it in myself as well--I have always been quite curious, never simply accepting what people tell me without wishing to push for more explanation. But not quite in the way Caleb thirsted to learn, not with his need to understand the intricate workings of every subject he came across. He could have found a book about the life cycle of trees, for instance, and been inspired to learn everything there was to know about it. I have never loved to learn simply for the sake of learning, never loved going to school as he did.

But now... oh, how I miss it.

When classes started back up after the summer holiday, Marcus forbade me from returning to school, ordering Mother to homeschool me. I do love having so much time with Mother. I just miss having time out of this house, seeing Susan and Robert each day. It's also so painful to look at my mother, stiff with pain, trying to go about life each day. School was just... it was the one part of a normal life that I had left-- even with Caleb, and now Tobias, missing, it would have felt more comforting than having every second of every day controlled by Marcus.

In some ways, things have remained the same, though, as they were nine months ago, when Tobias left. Instead of Tobias splitting the chores with me, it's Mother taking a chunk, when Marcus doesn't keep her too busy otherwise. Instead of cleaning the cuts Marcus has inflicted on Tobias, I am cleaning what he has inflicted on Mother. Before this, I did not ever see my mother so exposed, but now, there is not much alternative. I hate that even that privacy has been destroyed for her.