Deceptions & Secrets

Chapter 26: Current Rankings and Fears

Author's Note: Hello Readers, Thanks to each of you for reading this story. We wanted to point out that this chapter reveals a lot of information, much from the past. There will be flashbacks and fear landscapes to navigate. Have a great day!

Chapter 26: Current Rankings and Fears

Date: Dauntless Initiation - Phase 2 / Baby Natty is 6.5 months old (Early August)

* Tris POV *

We sit in silence, Dauntless-born and transfers alike, in the dimly lit hallway outside the simulation room-so quiet that I can hear the intermittent drip from a leak in the ceiling down the hall.

The simulations are wearing on us all. Peter has dark circles under his eyes; Molly's eyes look dead, almost like a doll's eyes. My nails are bitten down to the beds-one is even bleeding. Christina told me that she can't get any sleep at night, between her own nightmares and those of the other initiates she shares the dorm with. These are the effects of stage two of Dauntless initiation, the emotional stage. The fear simulations.

We still do some conditioning each day, but most of our training now involves first sitting here in the musty, dank hall outside the simulation room-sometimes for hours, depending how many other initiates are called before I am-and then facing one of my fears in a simulation.

Today, it seems that I will be one of the last to face my fears; Four has already called all of my friends back, and I am left here in the hall with Molly, Peter, and two Dauntless-born whose names I still haven't learned.

Phase two was supposed to begin weeks ago, but there was some sort of disagreement at the upper leadership levels which postponed the start of our simulations. Now that the issue has been resolved and I have to actually go through the sims, I'm thankful that the argument shortened the duration of this stage of training, though we are now having to go through two simulations some days to make up for the lost time. There isn't time for everyone to go through twice in one day, so each day, one quarter of the initiate class comes for a second simulation in the afternoon. Today will be the first time I have to face two fears in one day.

Facing your fears is hell. So far, I have been pecked to death by crows, drowned in a glass tank of water while Four and all my fellow initiates stood and watched, and stood with my feet rooted to the ground while my family all walked away and left me behind. This morning I faced the hardest yet: someone kidnapping Natty. I could see that even Four was affected by watching that simulation. When I came out of the sim, he was pale, and his breaths sounded shaky.

Four says that in the simulations, our fears are often shown symbolically rather than literally, and that I should try to figure out what I'm really afraid of. As far as I can gather, the first two were about control in one way or another, and the third was abandonment. I have to say, I wasn't shocked to find that among my fears. My fourth fear doesn't seem to be symbolic at all. My anxiety of someone taking Natty away from me is a constant fear at the forefront of my mind.

I have put the advice Mother gave me to good use and managed to hide my divergence, which could easily have been showcased in this stage had I not known to hide it. Most people don't realize that they are in a simulation until it has ended. Mother was right about me: during a simulation, I know it isn't real, and could probably even manipulate my surroundings if I tried. I don't try, though; to visibly manipulate the sim would be a dead giveaway.

My nightmares haven't changed much, and I suppose that my awareness that what I am experiencing, when in the simulation, is not real is a large part of the reason why. I know most of the others have nightmares about their simulations.