Forever & Always

Chapter 12

Chapter 12

-Hideous.-

I looked around at the clutter around me and let out a heavy sigh. It was late in April. The 19th, to be exact. My eyes were red from crying and I couldn't seem to be able to get myself up from bed. I had promised Louis to help him arrange his stuff while he was out. But how could I? He leaves tomorrow. He's going far away and no longer would I be able to see him.

Aside from those Skype calls, messages, and regular calls, I wouldn't talk to him personally. I closed my eyes and let this exhaustion take over me. With that, and the fact that Louis is leaving, I let myself cry. No, not cry. More like weep. That, and think about how much I'd miss his gentle touch.

I felt like this time, it'd be different. It wouldn't go as easily when he left than it usually would. So I cried some more. I let it all out because I couldn't let Louis see me like this when he came home. He hated it. It made him upset.

After a good hour of crying, I forced myself out of bed. I pulled my messy, damp hair up into a bun. Letting my puffy eyes scan the room, I let out a heavy sob.

'Don't you dare cry, Eleanor.' I thought to myself before breaking down again.

With my sobs, came a gag. Then another, and another. I ran to the bathroom and kneeled down next to the toilet, heaving into it. Emptying my already empty stomach into the bowl.

"Eleanor?" I heard Louis call out as the door opened. "Babe, I'm home!"

My eyes widened and I shot up, getting light-headed from the sudden movements. I flushed the toilet and quickly went to rinse my mouth off with mouthwash.

"Eleanor!" Louis called out, trotting up the stairs.

I looked up at the mirror for the first time after I had spit out the mouthwash. My breath caught in my throat as I looked at my reflection. My hideous reflection. My eyes were puffy, as were my lips.

"Eleanor where are you-" Louis' voice echoed through the room, stopping as he looked in the bathroom. "Eleanor.." He spoke softly. "Baby.."

Soon enough, I was pulled from the mirror and was engulfed in Louis' arms. He held the back of my head and shushed me as I cried.

"El, don't cry. We'll see each other soon. You don't have to cry." He whispered.

For some reason, that triggered something inside of me. Something that enraged me. It made me mad enough to pull away from him abruptly. "Do you not fucking understand me?!" I snapped back and shook my head as I pointed my finger at him. "You fucking asshole! You don't know how I feel! You know how I feel?! I feel like as if-" I stopped for a brief second, letting my hand fall as my voice became shaky. "As if someone ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it on the ground then stepped on it. Like as if someone came and punched my stomach so hard- like as if I were buried alive. I can't breathe without you. My lungs they-" I pressed my palm against my chest, above where my lungs are meant to be. "My lungs can't breathe! I feel like I-" I began fanning myself, my breathing heavy. "Like I'm suffocating and you-" I raised my finger and pointed at him again, "All you can say is 'you don't have to cry.' Don't fucking tell me not to cry because I can't just not! While you're distracting yourself on stage I'm here! In this apartment. This empty apartment. Watching you on the bloody television. Waiting for you to call! Waiting until you aren't busy and-"

"Stop." He breathed out.

"Don't-"

"Stop." He cut me off again, his voice louder. "You don't think this hurts me, Eleanor? You don't think I feel pain too? I feel it. Right there." He whispered as he placed his hand over his heart. "Every second I'm on that tour my mind is on you. I see a brunette and think of you. I see a brown eyed girl- you. That's all I think about. In my bunk- Jesus..." His voice cracked, causing him to rub his face. "I look over at a picture of us and I just- I think of you. I think of what you must be feeling and of when the next time I can see you will be. The way your... like when we're cuddled on the bed and you're so tired, yet refuse to go to sleep, the way your whole body twitches. I think of that and my heart yearns to touch you. It longs to hear your voice.. To feel you... To just fucking hold you." He paused and took in deep breaths. "I love you.."

"I love you too." I whispered and looked over his flushed face. "I-I love you with all of my heart and I don't want to be without you. I really don't." I whispered before stepping closer to him. His arms quickly wrapped around me.

We embraced each other for quite a while. I didn't even realize I had been falling asleep until Louis nudged me with his shoulder.

"Eleanor?"

"Hm?" I asked, slowly blinking my eyes open.

"I... I need to finish packing." He whispered softly, almost reluctant.

My breath hitched at his words. My eyes began to burn with tears as I managed a nod. Slowly, he pulled away and looked over my face. Concern was clear in his eyes. His eyes were glossy as he wiped away my tears.

"What's wrong? What do you feel?" He murmured softly.

"I just told you." I cried out, my voice weak.

"None of that. That isn't what I mean. Why is this time different? I mean, yeah, we always cry. But this... this is different. You're crying like you're never going to see me again. I'll see you again really soon, Darling. You know I can't stand being away from you for so long. We're going to make it through this tour like we did before. We'll be even stronger this time. You just wait and see."

I couldn't help but have another breakdown. I didn't know how to respond because I simply didn't know why I was so upset. I knew I was going to see him soon. I knew it.

The familiar feeling of vomit boiling up inside of me caused my hand to press against my lips. "I-" Was all I was able to get out before running passed Louis and into the bathroom.

"Eleanor!" He called out behind me.

I ignored his calls until I got to the bathroom, quickly kneeling down next to the toilet and emptying my stomach into it. In an instant, he was behind me. He used one hand to hold my hair back and the other to rub my back soothingly.

When I felt like I was done, I backed away from the toilet and coughed as I wiped my mouth. I used one shaky hand to flush the toilet before lowering my head.

"Sorry.." I whispered under my breath. I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't know how I could make this any better.

"Stop." He whispered and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his embrace. "Don't apologize. It was all of that crying that made you throw up."

I nodded and pulled away enough to look at him. "I'll clean myself up then go help you." I mumbled with a sniffle.

He nodded before slowly exiting the bathroom. I waited until I knew he was gone before doing what I did before. I brushed and rinsed my mouth off. I leaned over at my reflections and thanked the heavens that I wasn't as... hideous.

"He's right...." I whispered to myself. "I'll see him soon.. just like the old days. It'll all be okay." I took in shaky breaths and closed my eyes. "Don't cry, Eleanor. Do not. I forbid you. I forbid you to-"

"Eleanor?! Come help me, you lazy bum!" Louis shouted from the room.

A small smile crept across my face before nodding and walking out of the bathroom and into our bedroom. It would be alright. It had to be alright.