soon.

xxxiv.

̶ ̶ xxxiv. I HATE MYSELF AS MUCH AS YOU DO.

and i'm tired of feeling
i don't belong
in a world so full 
of character
and i'm weak from all this
negativity that has built
up inside of me
ever since i let you leave
out the front door

i find it hard to look
for a reason to continue,
like a crossword puzzle
with no definite answer
i'm stuck on the back of
this newspaper
looking for a will
to live

i don't even miss you anymore
so why do i use you as a reason 
for this distaste still lingering
in the back of my throat

you made it fucking clear
you wanted nothing to do with me
the moment you walked out
on the woman you loved
and the child that has your nose
and your eyes
and the way your chin rounds at the bottom
and the suicidal thoughts that your mind buried along with my mother's heart in a burial ground only the ghost of you visits

maybe that's why she doesn't love me anymore,
i'm a reflection of you

in a world full of faded stars
she holds nothing in the eyes
you once said you loved.

now i'm left wondering
maybe she doesn't need me 
for here i am
causing her more pain
as she sees you within me

and i want to die
perish like the petals you gave me for my sixth birthday
the same night you turned your back on us
and left the only hope left in my mother's fingertips to bleed out
on the kitchen floor