soon.

lx.

̶ ̶ lx.  FINAL WAVES.

trust me with every aching bone in my body when i say i never wanted us to say goodbye. i wanted an us to last through stressful college years and buying first house plans. i needed you because you were there for me when things got rough and checked on me when times got quiet. every so often, i find myself stuck on replay with the memories of us and who they carved me out to be
and i cry
and my heart mourns
and i find myself broken over the what ifs and the maybes that the future could've brought us.

but you know as well as i do that there was no ending to our story. like an author with an unfinished book, we were never concluded into a happy nor sad way. it's just blank pages after two hundred pages filled with laughter and tears and joy and all of the above when it comes to emotions we feel every day.

i miss the comfort of what we used to be. the knowing of happiness that would read across my face as i messages you something stupid that i knew you would laugh over. the tears that escaped my eyes from something sent back.

happy tears.

now it all seems over and i can't seem to understand if it was all my fault or not. you made me feel so numb and confused and i'm left with a multiple choice question with no right answer.

i'm sorry that the joy of us has faded away within time. even with our friendship gone, i still find myself talking about you as if the stars shine brighter and the warm summer days never drift away.

i wonder if you even care. if you too sometimes find yourself looking back at old conversations, typing when i'm not looking, but eventually hitting erase before sending because you're as clueless as i am.

what are we?

i never know what to say to you anyway. 
i try my best to drown out the future that leads me down a path without you. 

i just hope you aren't mad at me.

and if you were to ever read this, 
here's to the conclusion that we deserved,
 finally written out for us to fully comprehend that we were never meant
 to be left to collect dust never completely finished.

goodbye,
i wish you the best.