soon.

lxix.

̶ ̶ lxix. LIFE'S A BITCH.

i lost so much that i have started to take my time with each moment that comes my way. i stare into her eyes, i take in her words, i don't know when she'll grow bored, but i laugh with her while we are close. i listen to the wind whistle, brushing my hair back as i pedal my bike down the road, a basket full of flowers that i swore grew just right for my mother. i smile, a baby brother cooing in my cradled arms, i can't help but whisper a small hello, watching his eyes light up as he realizes who i am.

i take videos of myself instead of stand still photos, i watch how i mouth the words of my favorite song that soon i'll grow sick of, how one frame is better than another. i set my phone down, i look at myself in the mirror. i smile, i frown, i blow my cheeks up and widened my eyes and i see my five year old self crying.

i grew up too fast. i missed the youth that i should've indulged in.

thirteen, sitting in a creaky chair as the doctor announces i'm mentally ill, suicidal. i told myself that if i was older, he wouldn't be able to tell me who i am because i would already know who i was.

now that years have passed, i realize i don't know a single thing about myself. i know i lose friends easily because i don't give them the attention they need. i know anxiety presses so deeply into my palms that i try to dig it out with my chipped nails but never succeed. i know i lock myself away and bottle up feelings too much. i know pills aren't going to help me even when i watched my brother swallow a whole bottle and seize on the floor. i know that even when i had a hole in my heart since birth, i somehow stand healthy today.

i want to start over. be young and wild again. i want to replay my life over and realize just how good times were before teenage years wrapped me up in all the pain i feel in the depth of my chest now.

i wonder why my memory is so bad and why i'm left with nothing. i finally found my answer.

here it is, written out just for you.
if only you knew while you were still small and vulnerable, clueless of the times to come how precious this moment here and now is to you.

[ breathe and pause.
stop wasting time worrying and start living. ]