soon.

liv.

̶ ̶ liv. THE START OF BETTER DAYS.

left thinking about a future that isn't in the palm of my hands because it already hurts so much to breathe so i'm wondering if i'll even last that long. i lose friends as fast as i can count my fingers and i miss the comfort of the razor as the shower covered up the fact that the faucet of my own eyes was turned on. my lowest point is one i don't speak of, a cold morning eating cereal at the bottom of my tub. i took two bites, watched the milk overflow from the water taking its place. the purple under my eyes wasn't over exaggerated because yes, i was that tired. when you asked me if i was okay, i said i was fine, that you didn't have to worry about me because life was treating me well. i lied through a lock jaw and i sat on my roof watching what was supposed to be my last sunset. i watched the blue fade into pink and purples and suddenly bright orange. the way it melted below the hill that held my drained mother was prettier than any others i had ever witnessed. i thought that maybe i felt myself become breathless as the green engulfed the heavenly body because my own lungs knew this would be the last of it all. i would finally get to see this from a different point of view, up in the stars where it had always felt more like home than the one i sat on.

but i began to cry. the dark sky became blurry and the idea of leaving my last breath behind over a mistake my father made suddenly had me spiraling into confusion.

my dream of having my name in small libraries, kids that held a heart that i helped grow, feeling a love so vibrant it left sunsets more breathless than it had done for me. all of that would never be able to be conquered because i was gone.

yes, the world will continue to spin round and round effortlessly without me, but i would no longer know what finding home in someone's arms feels like. i wouldn't be able to read another poem that makes my heart jump. my name would not be left carved into a gravestone and the spines of my own writings with meaning.

i fell asleep on the roof that night.
and when i awoke, my heartbeat no longer made me cry.

instead i smiled as i was greeted with a sunrise.

one i'll never be able to forget.