soon.

xxxviii.

̶ ̶  xxxviii. GOODBYE OLD FRIEND.

and i leave stained pillows to collect the puddles of aftermath nights spent with you because i don't understand what resistance is even if you were to read the definition aloud to me in an empty cave so it only echoed back to me; even if i promised to not cover my ears as you scream synonyms for me to comprehend the unreversed damage that you bring to my already aching heart.

i would still run back to you.

i find myself enjoying the time i spend with you as odd as it all sounds and i don't know if it's because you have manipulated me to feel this or if it's truly what i feel but my mother tells me you're toxic and i deserve better.

and i promise i won't see you anymore,
yet i do.

and i hated myself as i snuck back into my house after i lied to my own mother and the hatred made my veins boil deep red as i hysterically cried into the same stained pillow that always finds its way to comfort me when it knows where my whereabouts have been.

i keep hurting myself to keep you happy and i can no longer take the burden of your well being on my chest as it begins to suffocate me from feeling anything but sadness and i don't want to be selfish.

i don't want to be selfish
i don't want to be s e l f i s h

i type out sorrow filled sorrys and goodbyes and you sit and watch your phone explode with heartbreaking messages but you aren't a mess like i am, you don't mirror the image of a distressed young girl feeling as if putting herself first for something so small is the end of the world.

you reply with a goodbye
as simple as one you tell someone you don't care much for.

and i wonder where it all went wrong, how so many years spent together was just like a filled bathtub that finally got unplugged and i'm left to think how well you are doing without me as you still haunt me in the back of my mind even when i try to shake you gone but you sing me to sleep and the memories of us still make me laugh. 

i don't think i'll ever be able to forget you as painful as it sounds but i hope to find someone someday who can take this place and mean it with all their heart as much as i had.

and i pray they don't leave me completely broken like i meant nothing on the floor of hopelessness;

just like you did.