Pent up

Damage control

I blink

"What?"
"I cheated on you..." She repeats and starts bawling her eyes out.

What? I-

"I'm sorry" She sniffs and hiccups but I can't react "I really love you but I don't know what came over me that day. I was so confused when it happened but he was so tender with me it just did! But now it's been a month since and I can honestly say I'm really in love with you and I can't loose you"

Wait...

"It happened a few times. I lost my head and I let it happen and for a while it felt right but I don't love him! We just had sex a couple of times and that was it! I love you! So please!" She pleads and hides her face in her hands but I'm shocked.

That's... exactly what happened to me...
I lost my head and cheated on Clara, at the time I didn't even felt guilty about it, but now I was suddenly filled with shame.

I was completely blind and did things I'm now beginning to regret.

How could I do that to this amazing woman who loves me so much?

No matter the attraction I felt for the boy who showed me a whole new world, I did love this woman in front of me, even if right now my feelings were all mixed up...

Cris was special, we had a thing I couldn't really explain, and with Clara- we just clicked so well...

"I-" I began, all sorts of things going through my mind, my mouth moving by itself "I cheated on you too"

Oh god! WHAT THE HELL SHUT UP

"I-I'm not sure how I feel about it yet but... I hate seeing you cry so-"

She looks up at me and hugs me so strongly I can't breathe...

"So it wasn't just me who felt we were drifting" She tried to reason, with me or herself- I'm not sure, but maybe she had a point. What I had with Cristopher was just a fling, just sex, and if she realized it wasn't love, maybe what I felt for Cris wasn't love as well, it was just me looking for a replacement for Clara...

We were drifting, as we couldn't see each other often, and having the person who gave me so many sleepless nights suddenly so close made me loose my head. I craved to feel that same passion from that steamy afternoon on the locker room, and it lead me to do things I shouldn't have done.

"I- maybe not" I took her hands in mine "Maybe we really should try and spend more time together..."

"Yes!" She beamed and swung our hands back and forth "We can make this work!"

After that, we apologized to the other and swore to leave those memories behind. The only thing that left a sour taste in my mouth is that her fling happened a month ago, while mine was...currently happening. Still, I didn't say this to her and we parted ways, well into the night, as she drove back to her own university and I walked back to my building, head hung low and my feet dragging behind me.

I was more confused than ever. I had now a stronger relationship with Clara, yet Cristopher still thought when we met next week I would be broken up with her.

It was true I still loved Clara, after all you can't just fall out of love with someone you've been dating for half a year in the blink of an eye, and this thing with Cris had been and still was purely sexual. Yet my heart ached to be with the former wrestler over the pretty brunette.

I push those thoughts aside as I navigate through the busy hall.

I would meet with Clara on Saturday to meet her parents and I would be happy about it.
I ignore my classmates greetings as I make my way through the nearly deserted hall, instead looking at my feet all the way up to my room, and when I finally get there, flopping down into my mattress and falling asleep instantly.