Pent up

A little internal struggle

A new day began as the sun filtered through the blinds of our shared room, and I found myself lost. Lost...and scared.
I laid there, tongue dry inside my mouth as I swallowed around a hard lump that was lodged low in my throat.
I swallowed thrice, reaching blindly for the blanket that dangled halfway to the floor and throwing it to the side, to be put away later, shivering and realizing, with a quick look to the mirror, that I was begging to sweat through my shirt.
There was absolutely no reason to be this nervous about the events that where to happen today, yet here I was, breathing heavily and staring at the ceiling of our beloved bedroom, that was dirty beyond recognition. It had been mostly white at the begging of the year, but now, a few months later, it more closely resembled the tan colour of the walls, except for the few spots of off white where grub and dirt hadn't been able to touch.
I'm getting off topic here...
I shake my head involuntarily, pulling out my phone from underneath my pillow and check the time.
Surely, meeting your partner's parents was a scary experience, you had to be likable and friendly and perfect for the (hopefully) future in-laws to accept you into their family, and also show that you treat their little treasure like a princess and that you will be able to provide for them when the time comes. It was a lot of expectations placed in a single person in the stretch of a few hours, but most people found themselves excited more than dreadful.
Yet, here I was. Scared out of my mind and absolutely no idea how to do this.
With clenched fists I shuffle to the door, evading the bottles of soda and discarded clothes on the floor, and, with my head hung low, I walk to the shower, to clear my head and get rid of these swamps I call armpits.
As I get closer to the bathroom, the thoughts that plagued my mind yesterday begin to haunt me again.
Why can't I just be content with what I have? I do love Clara and want this to work yet, I can't help but wander...
I shouldn't, though. Not now that everything was settled.
Those were questions I should have made myself before deciding on a path, but now it was too late, and I had to stand by my decision. Cris was a friend and, despite our history, we would get past it and be just friends.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I should have been asking myself many more questions this entire time...
What did I feel for this guy? I'm not gay as far as I know, male bodies never interested me much, so bisexual was also a little off from the description I was looking for, yet I loved every second spent with his dick in my hole. Sorry for the bluntness but it was true.
It's not like I didn't care for gender. I mostly went after women and Cris was an exception to that rule. Calling it being just curious felt... like an insult, and just ignoring it was even worse.
Maybe it didn't matter but, after years of so many labels, like jock, and popular kid, left me in need to identify this new part of me with a name.
Nothing felt right when I desperately needed it to be.
I was halfway through my shower, lost in my head the entire time when a knock startled me and a quick jump made me suddenly aware of just how long I was in here.
"Can-" A gruff voice was followed by a cough "Can you hurry up?"
Cris' voice filled the small room with an eco and I was now even more anxious than before.
Cris, my ex, now turned friend, was right outside, and my old, trusty pal stood a little straighter at his sleep ridden voice. Damn you, body!
"One sec!"
Quickly shutting off the water, with unsteady hands, I shimmy into a pair of grey trousers, abandoned under the sink ever since Wednesday, still smelly with sweat from jogging, and quickly dry off with a towel as I rush to brush my teeth with just one hand.
I would never dare step out into the other room in just a towel when someone else was awake. Most days, Diego woke up much later than myself, and he showered at night, so there was no problem with our routines clashing, our catching the other half naked. One thing was changing in a locker room, all sweaty 'straight' dudes  who are too tired, and insecure, to even dare look down. The only instance of awkwardness was the slaps in the ass in congratulations for a good game, but I could mostly stay hidden to avoid anyone.
Another thing was sharing a bathroom and a bedroom, the instances of awkwardness much higher, so I tried to minimize most chances of half naked encounters to a minimum.
But now, with a guest over, I had forgot to ask when they would shower, and had used most of the hot water, most of it spent just soaking instead of actually getting clean, but I still stepped out, surrounded by fog as I came face to face with Cris.
"Took you long enough"