Pent up

The talk

I had to tell Clara.

Everything.

Was it a good idea?
I still wasn't sure, but guilt was eating away at me.

I hadn't just cheated on her in the physical sense, no, a hookup with a random person couldn't have been as hurtful as what I had done.

Being with her while wanting someone else, not that...

I hadn't ever been truthful with her about what happened before we met that summer, about my first time with a strange boy from another school, about my feelings for him and how sometimes at night I would think about him while touching myself even when I was next to her.

It was time to breakup-officialy-and to come clean about everything.

Waking up I felt like shit, and showering didn't make me feel any better. Remebering yesterday, when I got up excited to start new things, felt like a distant memory now... because today... today was to be miserable. 

It's never easy to end things old.

My phone dings. Always punctual, Clara texts me she's arriving in 10 minutes.

It's weird to think that she isn't gonna knock the door with that beautiful toothy smile of hers, always present, that she isn't gonna grab my hands and swing them around, excited to see me, to have a date or to simply walk around town, that she isn't gonna cling to my arm and tell me that she loves me.

This was it.

After this that would all be gone.

And even if we breakup in good terms, that this was the last time we would ever hang out, that I could call her and tell her about my day, that I could hug her and be at ease.

Fuck...

A knock at my door, and my heart palpitations run wild.

Here goes nothing.

.

I open the door and there she is, pretty as ever, but her usual smile is gone and in its place a grimace.

"Come in" I tell her, eyes downcast. I notice she's wearing her favorite shoes, blue with a ribbon on top. My heart breaks a little.

She tries to smile at me, I can see in her eyes she really tries, but fails miserably and just waves instead.

"Hey, Josh" She steps around me, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, a nervous tick.

She stands there, and I don't know what to do.

This is harder than I thought.

"Uh, sit, if you want" I close the door and move to sit on my bed, she does the same.

"Before you say anything" She begins, thank god "I think we do need to break up"

A pregnant silence, it's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders but a brick has been dropped on my lungs all at the same time.

"...yeah" Is all I manage to say, my throat dry.

She doesn't notice, or maybe ignores my tone, as she just keeps talking.

"And maybe I didn't want to accept it because... I'm not ready for something new, but it's true! We aren't okay and we haven't been okay for a while"

And yeah, maybe I also wasn't ready, but not anymore.

"I actually... lied to you"

I look up at Clara, stunned.

"What do you mean?"

She fidgets with the bottom of her sweater, biting her lips.

"Do you remember..." She takes a long breath, and her eyes finally fall on me.

We look at each other.

"About me cheating?"

"Of course... how could I forget"

A hand comes to rest on top of mine, but it does nothing to calm my nerves.

"I actually... it wasn't a random guy... or a one time thing" She laughs, but it sounds far from humorous, tears well up in her eyes but her gaze is steady, even as her lips quiver "It wasn't anything more than kissing but... it felt like a lot more."

At this point she's whispering, like talking would hurt too much, it would hurt me too much.

They sting, her words, and maybe her hand on mine and her gentle eyes do soothe my hurt but the constricting of my heart make it hard to even breathe, the rock lodged in my throat hard to talk.

"You made me feel safe, good... she confuses and puzzles me but it's so exciting and exhilarating at the same time... and so scary too... to risk falling in love with someone else... I couldn't do it but... it happened anyways"

"Who..." Is all I manage to say. What could I even say to that?

In one hand I'm happy someone made her feel loved when I was too busy chasing after some jock but, I'm so disappointed in myself for making her feel like she wasn't loved in the first place.

She snorts, covering her face and laughing heartily into her sleeve. "My roommate"

Fuck, I can't help but laugh too.

"Kind of a cliché, I know"

We sit there, I try to absorb all this information as she ruffles in her bag for some tissues.

"Are you two... dating?" She finds them, hands me one and blows her nose with another.

"No, and I don't even know if I want to after this whole shit show" She sighs heavily, pointing to us.

"Touché" I find some humor in me to laugh at that. It's true, we are a fucking mess.

"Ok, now it's your turn."

I nod

"I...also lied to you" I begin

"Figures" She laughs again

"But... a lot, I guess. From the...very start"

The tension in the room rises again, Clara's face is wiped clean of any trace of a smile, and I gulp.

"Don't panic!" I try to calm her, her face doesn't change "Just listen okay!?"

I take a breath... this is gonna be a long story.

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Hello my lovely readers.
This is a short little something to occupy your time with while I get my shit together and write some more, m'kay? so don't worry, more is coming.
Stay safe out there.