Pent up

A very heavy subject

It was quiet as we started digging into our meals, the air so thick, it could be cut with a knife, as my girlfriend glared at me from her chair.
It had been quite a few minutes since we started eating, and with each passing second I got more and more jittery.
My leg bounced quietly under the table and I couldn't help but fidget in my seat.

I sat there, holding onto the cutlery for dear life, hoping the chicken breast would sprout back a wing and fly me back to my doorm room so I could burrow under my covers.

I heard a kick followed by a cough, Clara was looking at her dad now and I realized I maybe wasn't supposed to see that, as she motioned to me and directed a nasty stare at the man with glasses.

"So, Clara tells me you were quite a sportsmen before" He coughed. What was his name? I'm not sure Clara ever mentioned her dad's name...
"Ah, huh" I clear my throat, gulping down a piece of cabbage and putting down the fork "yeah. I played a lot of sports. On my last years of high school I did wrestling. I even won a tournament. I played soccer for a while, and some basketball, but I preferred to wrestle. Well, I was just better at it, for some reason. On my last match, the other guy I wrestled against was way smaller than me, I may look small now but back then I was a much more buff, so he was smaller than me and he clearly didn't have the build for a wrestler, it was clear he played other sports and he was only a stand in, but he was quite good..." I was going a mile a minute in my head throughout the whole thing, rambling in a high pitched voice without pausing to gather the reactions of the others in the room so, after a quick look to the horrified and amused faces of the family, I began to sizzle down, ending the sentence in almost a whisper.

"That's great, dear" The tired woman bit on a small portion of chicken but kept to herself after the comment.

So, maybe rambling about myself is not a good idea. Who would have thought...
A single drop of sweat runs down my back and I shudder.

"And, we know you guys have been dating for a while now" The grey haired man asked, confident.

And another drop of sweat. And another...
"Oh, yeah! We, uh, love each other! We've been together almost 7 months now! It's been great! Did Clara mention we met in summer? Yeah, it was a great summer! Great, great summer..."

More silence followed.
Ok! Why am I so nervous? What else is there to talk about? God, help me!!

"You... you love me?"

Oh.
Oh, that.
Crap.

"Uh, yeah... babe. Of course!" It wasn't a lie, that was the conclusion I'd reached last time I checked yet, it felt stupid and wrong to say it now. "That's why I'm here, right?"

That is why I'm here, right?
We love eachother and we want to take things to the next level.
This makes us completely official. Met the parents and all...

Yet why... is it so hard?

"Uh, I don't know, babe" The words where strained and forced, and I found myself growing pale. Ok, maybe saying I love you for the first time in front of the parents is not a good idea.

How did I not realize that was the first time?!

"Well, I... do, so..."
"Sure, uh-" She dropped her cutlery and got up, motioning for me to do the same "Let's go fetch the water jug, yeah?"

I hesitantly got up, almost taking the fork with me from the confusion.

She was there, at the bottom of the stairs, tapping her foot.

"You... you love me? You've..." She started in a desperate tone as she saw me cross the doorway "You've never told me that before and... we just found out we both cheated on the other, how-"
"We- we said we wanted to.. fix this because, you know, we... do love eachother" I reasoned, even if hadn't thought of it that way
She sighed "I guess. It just feels... too soon?"
"I know"

A heavy silence followed

She rubbed her forehead with the back of her hand, trying to disperse the anxiety she was feeling

"Anyway... you've been so nervous. What's wrong, babe?"
"Just.. meeting the parents for the first time, right?" I laughed, humorless and dry "I guess.. after what happened with us it's harder to impress them since I already know I'm not that good for you"
"No, baby. No" she cooed and rubbed my arms comfortingly "We are good. It was just... a rough patch for both of us. After this maybe we can come out stronger"

Maybe. Key word maybe.

Or maybe we fucked up and we're not meant to be...

No. Stay possitive.

"Yeah" Clara smiled back at me, despite my strained expression, and stood on her tiptoes to hug me.
We walked back to the table, her parents intensely focused on their phones. Clearly, they had been distracting themselves to keep from listening in. I hope it worked.

I felt so tired, from the constant being on edge, I really felt like I couldn't take a single bite of the meal, yet I pushed myself to smile as they turned to exchange worried glances between us, and then to pick up my fork to start eating.