Pent up

Back to square one

I trudged silently up the stairs, and when I finally came back to my room all I could do was tell Diego what had happened, because I myself had no idea what the hell was going on. I felt restless and pulled thin from stress, so I needed someone impartial who knew the whole story to give me some advice or tell me what to do about this situation, but when I finished telling him about it he just picked up his phone and proceeded to yell over the speaker for about an hour and a half to who I presumed was Cris, and when I asked him what the fuck was that he just turned off the lights and went right to sleep.

Unfortunately it wasn't as easy for me to go to bed.

I tossed and turned, and being horizontal had my stomach churning uncomfortably, so I abandoned that idea quickly and took to wandering around campus to clear my head, even if I had classes very early the next day.

The cold was refreshing, different from the morning atmosphere that I cherished so much but still as calming, and I found that my feet starting moving of their own accord, despite the way my body was covered in goosebumps and shivering, and suddenly I was jogging; The uncomfortable way the cold made my lungs sting quickly turned into a soothing presence. The dirt under my feet, the smell and sound of it, the fog coming out of my mouth, now I could at least focus on one thought at a time.

Why did Cris came over, when he knew he would run into me eventually, and also right after Diego asked him not to? Did he just appear in front of me at the worst of times? Either that or he is the bad omen bringing all this confusion and messiness into my life.

And just like Diego said, right after our fight he went right back to chasing tail...

I'd been such a fool, to trust someone I barely knew, to think something could blossom out of messy blowjobs and meaningless sex. I'd been such a fool to get so hung up on a total stranger...

Why did I fall so hard for him anyways?

Those summer nights spent dreaming of our first time together revolved around sex and arousal, figures moving, touching, and heat, so much heat that was still so ever present on the marks he left, my swelled lips, some small bites, and the way my hips ached, but it was never about... him.

I'd never delved deeper into my attraction to him, not like I was right now, and it all started to make sense all at once.

It was like the curiosity to uncover this side of me I had never allowed myself to explore made me blind to the answer; I wanted to experiment, like Clara said, and he only had been the first man to show interest in me, so I blindly latched onto the idea of a perfect Cris.

He isn't, that's for sure.

Not like I can judge...

Do I like men or just him? It was blurry at first but now it was crystal clear.

I like women, yes. Even while still hung up on Cris I fell in love with Clara, but...

I also like men.

Wow

That made me pause, my body falling forward in exhaustion in response. My feet hurt, but my mind was once again filled with white noise, so many thoughts all at once.

I like men.

I like women.

After the great discovery of the century my body felt like it weighted two tons, all the exhaustion of the day coming back to me in waves, so I stumbled back into my room and threw myself into bed to fall asleep, shoes and everything.

After a shitty week, and a monumentally life changing end to my monday, tuesday rolled around and it was as shitty as the rest.

Apparently only sleeping 5 hours was ought to make you groggy whenever you woke up, so I slept through basically all my classes and wandered the halls like a zombie the rest of the time.

Who would have thought that resolving my sexuality issues wouldn't make that much of a change in my life compared to what the rest of my problems that were still unresolved are doing to my health? Who would have thought...

I debated calling Clara to tell her the news, that I was officially bisexual or whatever, and that maybe it was time to start really getting back into this relationship, but I found myself stalling for time.

Why was I still conflicted on this? Cristopher is a player, and an asshole, and that's that. I love Clara, my current girlfriend, and he and I are not a thing anymor- not like we were ever a thing. So... what's up, brain?

I played with the drawstrings of my sweatshirt, staring down at my phone.

So what the hell, brain?