Battle In The Elevator

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My first year of college was a real challenge for me. I'm extremely introverted, and while I do have friends I spend time with, I do not make friends very easily. I'm simply too shy to approach others and I am no good at connecting with strangers. It's just who I am and I'm okay with that.

When I started classes that fall, I was the invisible girl. Never called attention to myself if I could help it. You know the type, I'm sure. There are a lot of people who specialize in invisibility.

So I didn't have a lot of friends that semester, just people I would call "acquaintances." We got along fine but couldn't really be called friends.

Now at this time I was battling my own demons, too. When I was sixteen I was brutally raped and by no means was I over it. It was a major factor in my life. I went to therapy regularly and was treated for major depression, extreme anxiety disorder, and PTSD. I was walking a thin line trying to pull myself together and get on with life while at the same time feeling very isolated (and therefore vulnerable) around others. I avoided men whenever I could simply because I wasn't ready to let my guard down and it was exhausting being on constant high alert. I was also rather paranoid.

It's impossible to avoid potentially dangerous (to my paranoid mind) situations when living on campus and being the loner that I was. There were times when I simply had to walk back to my dorm in the dark or participate in a group project with men, etc. I worked hard on my self confidence and while I eventually overcame my fears, at that time I was always on edge. I'm sure you can understand.

One day I went to class in the Humanities building. Not a big deal, but the classroom was on the top floor of a tall building and I usually rode the elevator. That elevator was slow as fuck but still better than walking up twelve flights of stairs. With me?

I get to the building, call the elevator, and wait. To my surprise when the doors opened I was the only one who got in. This was a relief because of my paranoia.

Then it happened. The doors were closing when someone stuck a hand in the middle and four guys got in.

This wasn't good. My anxiety hit the roof and I backed myself in a corner so I felt somewhat safer. I kept telling myself I was perfectly safe, that these men weren't going to hurt me and I should relax.

Then one of the bastards turned to me, grinned maliciously, and said, "There's only one girl here. Let's get her!"

And all shit broke out.

I'm sure now it was a joke (albeit a very disgusting one) but at the time I didn't take it that way. At all.

When he made that comment, I panicked. I had my book bag (full to bursting with heavy books) on the ground in front of me. In my terror I picked it up and started swinging.

When the doors finally opened there were four very surprised men either on the ground or huddling away from me while I stood in the middle, hyperventilating and still swinging.

I have never seen anyone exit an elevator that fast, and I'm not talking about me. Those guys actually stumbled over each other trying to get away from me.

It took me a long time to calm down, but in the end it was a huge step in rebuilding my confidence. I'd been in a potentially dangerous position with four men and I'd defended myself quite effectively. That was the beginning of reclaiming myself.

So, intentional creepy dude who threatened rape as a joke, perhaps next time you pull that misogynistic shit we will meet again.

If we do, I'm ready.

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