Dirt And Diamonds

36: Moving On?

"So last night was fun, huh?" I asked Lizzie as we were at a clothing store in the mall.

"Yeah, it was. I'm glad I got to hang out with you two." Lizzie smiled as she looked at a shirt.

"Me too. I told Payson he should stay longer, but no." I smiled, rolling my eyes.

"He was really nice." Lizzie commented.

"Yeah, he is." I said as I was looking at a pair of shorts. "He's really fun, too, huh? I never thought we would end up singing karaoke."

"Out of all the things we did yesterday, that really topped the list." Lizzie chuckled. "It was really fun."

"Yeah." I sighed as I hung the shorts back on the rack.

"Hey, you could always have that Schnabel brother." Lizzie said.

I huffed, laughing. "I don't want that one. Just like I don't want anyone else. But I'm sure that cashier over there that's been staring at me the whole time will try to pick me up."

"He's not that bad looking." Lizzie said as she subtly glanced over her shoulder.

"Yeah, but he's just not it." I sighed as I picked up a shirt. "Nobody's it anymore."

"Except Parker." Lizzie added.

"I don't even think he'd be it anymore. I'm just going to be me. I don't need a man." I sighed.

Lizzie scoffed. "We'll see how long that lasts."

***

"So I don't think acting is for me anymore." I said as I set my coffee on the table.

We were currently sitting in a Starbucks.

"Why? What do you mean? You love acting." Lizzie said as she looked up from her phone.

"You're right, I did love it. But now, I don't know." I shrugged a shoulder. "It's just not my thing anymore."

"Layla, you can't just quit acting because of a stupid man. Parker screwed up. You screwed up. But quitting what you always wanted to do isn't going to fix anything unless you're planning on going to him." Lizzie said.

"No, I'm not going to him. And acting is what I wanted to do, but that was the old me. I don't want to act anymore. It's just-my heart's not into it anymore." I explained.

"Well, then what are you going to do?" Lizzie asked before sipping through her straw.

"I think I want to go back to school." I nodded. "Yeah, I'm going to be a R.N., not just a L.P.N. That's what I want to do."

Lizzie smiled. "Hey, you'll meet some college men. Doctors, lawyers, surgeons."

I chuckled. "All you ever think about is men."

Lizzie laughed softly. "Well, I can't help it. And it's true."

"Yeah, I guess it is." I shrugged. "Maybe one of them might be it."

"And then you can hook me up with one." Lizzie chuckled.

I laughed. "Of course."

***

I sat on my bed, and instead of running over lines, I was researching online classes that I could take to further my degree in nursing. Honestly, I didn't really want to be at a college with thousands of other people. I just wanted to be able to do my work by myself online in the comfort of my own house. I wasn't into the college life. I had grown up.

Then after I got my RN degree, I could go work at a nursing home or something. I really liked caring for older people. They were always so cute and nice. Yeah, I'll go work at a nursing home. I'll be happy doing that.

I can plan for my own future. Not my future with someone else, just mine. I can be happy by myself. Mama was right, there's really no use sitting in my room sulking all the time.

The sun will always come up, the clocks will still tick, and the world still spins. It doesn't matter that I almost had something real. It doesn't matter what might have happened. The point is that it didn't happen, and it's been long enough.

Would I go back and change anything? No.

Everything that's happened, it's all for the best. If I was supposed to be with Parker, it would have happened that way and I would still be with him. But obviously, Parker and I are two different people with different goals and different lives.

Yeah, our paths crossed for a while. And it was great, but all good things must come to an end. He'll be happy, and so will I. It just wasn't meant for us to be happy together.

Yes, I love him. I love him more than anything in this world. And yes, I stay in my room and don't want any company. That doesn't mean that I can't move on from everything. Sooner or later, I'll wake up one day, and I won't miss him.

He won't be the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. I won't think about his arms around me because it helps me sleep. I won't catch myself looking at a picture of him, or absently running my thumb over the pendant on my necklace. I won't keep wearing his shirt because it reminds me of why I ended up wearing it in the first place.

Then someday, I might not love him anymore. I'll just push it to the back of my mind and push through it. Ladies are not supposed to act like this. They're not supposed to cry over a man. They are supposed to be happy, beautiful, and composed. Never let anyone see you cry.

Haven't you ever heard that song by Miranda Lambert?

I'm going to keep researching online for classes and making plans for my future. Sooner or later, I'm going to quit acting and go back to school. I'm going to work hard and make something of my life. And if a good man comes along down the road, we'll see what happens.

But for right now, I'm going to go get a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a glass of wine. Ice cream because it makes me feel better, and wine because maybe it'll help me forget him for a little while. Because Lord knows he's all I can think about right now.

But I'm trying to move on...