Forever Yours

Lexa's Past

(So, I originally planned to drag this out a few chapters and it still will...  Just not the way I originally planned...  But you know what the Heda says!  Plans don't last very long in battle!)

Clarke's POV

I frowned as I watched Lexa.  She was pacing up and down our room, full armor and face paint.  It was really starting to drive me nuts.  For the past week and a half Luna's been locked in the dungeon and Lexa keeps pulling herself farther and farther away from anyone - including me.  It's like she thinks she has something to hide.

"Lexa what is going on?" I asked, walking up and stopping her pacing by standing in front of her.

"It's nothing Clarke - I'm just trying to figure out why she's here.  She wouldn't have come here after all these years without so much as a letter to me without an ulterior motive." She said.  I knew Lexa was right but that wasn't all that was going on.

"That's not what I meant and you know it." I told her irritably.

"Just stop worrying about it Clarke!" Lexa snapped.

I blinked in surprise.  She never spoke to me like that.  "Lexa what's wrong?" I tried again.

"Clarke enough!  Stop worrying about it!" Lexa snapped, getting more worked up.

Rather than replying I spun on my heel and walked out of the room.  I heard Lexa calling for me to come back and that she was sorry but I just kept walking.  That was the final straw.  I was going to talk to Luna myself - I was getting to the bottom of this.

I stalked through the halls, taking the stairs to give me more time to calm down.  I reached the dungeons in what had to be record time and walked straight to Luna's cell.

"Luna." I said, my voice causing the curly red haired woman to look up.

"Well if it isn't Wanheda." She said, "I was wondering when I'd get to speak to you."

"Drop the nice person act.  I'm not here to talk about you or me." I said.

"Then what do you want?"

"Your presence is driving Lexa crazy, I want to know why."

"Maybe you should ask her about it." She said.

"I've tried, she just withdraws within herself.  Which is why I'm coming to you - as one person who cares about her to another - to ask what it is." I said, my voice calm.

She sighed, "There's two situations you could be referring to."

"Start with whichever one happened first and then tell me the second one." I said.

Luna sighed, looking genuinely guilty and upset, then began, "As I'm sure she told you, when we were little we were close.  When I found I was a Natblida (Nightblood) I begged Anya to kill me if people ever found out.  When Lexa was found to be a Natblida it only strengthened that want.  The day I was discovered and dragged off to Polis was hard for both of us - having never been apart from each other.  I trained hard and grew as a warrior.  When Lexa came though, I stopped trying.  I didn't want to be a threat to my own sister, let alone kill her.  After a while, I got frustrated with both myself being forced to be there and her being there where she could be killed.  I allowed myself to take it out on her - for a year.  I blamed her for all my problems - I called her a monster.  After that year I did my best the following year to convince her I had been wrong but she wouldn't believe me.  When the Conclave came we grew even more apart - especially since I fled."

I could only stare slack-jawed at her as I absorbed the information.  Luna nodded her agreement, guilt bright in her gaze.  I collected myself, "And the other?" I asked.

Luna sighed, "It was only a month - maybe a month in a half - after the Conclave.  Lexa was a new Commander.  She was doing well - having already added three Clans if you include Trikru to her Coalition - but she was still young, still being encouraged heavily by the Spirits of the past Commanders.  Most of the decisions she made on her own - looking to Anya and Indra for guidance - however the Commanders wouldn't leave her alone about me being alive.  I know this because she told me.  Eventually she came after me - unable to prevent herself from doing it.  She attacked my village.  Everyone but me and a young boy were killed." She paused, grief in her eyes, "Including my houmon (husband/spouse)." She said.

As much as I didn't want to believe it, I could see young (well, younger) Lexa giving in to the past Commanders endless insisting of going after her sister.  "Why did she let you live?"

"She didn't arrive until after the original attack - I had managed to escape.  For some reason, she never sent people after me.  She never even looked for me.  I was sure when she heard I'd been made leader of Floukru she would kill me but she never even sent someone to investigate." Luna shrugged.

I nodded, "Thank you Luna." I said.

She nodded, "Of course." She said.

I turned away, heading for the exit.  I barely heard it, but I knew she said, "Don't thank me yet."

I didn't turn back to question her on what she meant, just kept going.  I made my way quickly back to mine and Lexa's room.

When I got there she was pacing.  "Lexa." I said softly, alerting her to my presence.

She looked up, "You went to see her, didn't you?" She asked.  Her voice wasn't accusing but rather she just wanted to know.

"I- Yes.  I did." I said.

She looked like someone had just told her that the most important person in her life was dead.  As she started to break down I dashed forward, stopping her from completely falling to the floor.

"I'm a m-"

"Don't finish that Lexa.  You're not.  You didn't do anything wrong - even Luna said that." I rocked her gently, holding her tightly.

"I proved her right when I gave the order for her village to be destroyed." She whispered.  "I killed innocent children Clarke." She added brokenly.

"You were young Lexa, you didn't know what to do." I told her.

"I know you're going to hate me for what I did Clarke.  But I have to tell you - I told them not to kill the children.  The warriors didn't listen, they killed everyone.  Children included."

I nodded, "It's okay Lexa.  You made a mistake - everyone does, even Commanders.  I've made more mistakes then I can count." I told her, hugging tighter.

"So I'm not a monster?"

"No Lexa.  You never have been and you never will be." I assured her.

"Thank you Clarke." She said quietly.

"Anytime Lex."