Forever Yours

Explanation

Raven

I hadn't been able to sleep last night.  I had made an excuse for Luna and I to not go to dinner last night and it seemed to have worked well, no one questioned it at least.

Despite that, my worry had kept me awake so I had kept myself busy.  First it was cleaning up anything laying around, then it was reorganizing the closet.  Then (even though it was pretty much as organized as I could get it already) I cleaned up my work area and organized it.

After that I had paced for a while trying to figure out why Luna hadn't told me and what in the name of the good green ground had happened.  Then I forced myself to sit and try to think rationally (it didn't work).

At that point I gave up and just played around with whatever I had laying around to keep me busy.

Right now I was managing to stay calm and just watch Luna sleep as dawn light began to filter into the room.

If I didn't know better, I wouldn't have known or thought nothing had happened and this would be completely relaxing.  However I did know so there was still a part of my mind in turmoil.

At least she seemed to be okay, on the bright side.  That's what I kept telling myself.  That she was okay and when she woke up she would explain everything like she promised and we could move on and be us.

But there was a nagging part of my mind that asked if it was really just that simple.  I tried to tell myself that yes, it was just that simple, but I couldn't help but wonder if that was really true.  She had seemed to know what was going on yesterday.  She hadn't been scared or frightened of it.

And it caused me to ask myself if it had happened before and if so then how many times?  How often?

A shudder ran down my back as I remembered seeing her like that.

She stirred, stopping my thoughts from continuing.  I licked my lips, my mouth and throat feeling suddenly dry.

Her eyes blinked open, a softness to them that they always seemed to have, but I could see worry and fear underneath it.

"How long have you been awake?" She asked softly, sitting up to be eye level with me.

For a moment I contemplated lying and telling her that I had woken up an hour or so ago but I knew she'd see right through it.

"I haven't slept actually." I said quietly.

She frowns, worried, "Why?  Raven, you need your sleep."

I met her worried gaze with my own, "Because I can't Luna.  I'm scared and worried and I don't know what's going on." I said, forcing myself not to just snuggle next to her and let the answers I need be forgotten.

She nods, looking away, "I'm sorry ai hodnes (my love)." She let out a breath, before meeting my gaze and I took a sharp intake of breath at what I saw there.  Fear.  She was scared, terrified even, of this.

I shook it off, bringing my hand up to cup her cheek, "It's alright.  I understand not wanting to tell me if you're scared of how I'll react." I let out a small breath, bringing my hand down to hold her's, "But I would rather you tell me than I have to find out because it happens and then force and explanation."

She nods, "I know." She breathed.  She still looks so scared, so vulnerable.

I squeezed her hand gently, "I'm not leaving you Luna.  I would have to be a complete branwoda (fool) to leave and give up on us, okay?  We might not always be the most perfect couple or independent people but we're us.  And nothing can change that." With the hand that wasn't holding her's I picked up the chain of the crescent moon necklace and showed it to her, "We're engaged Luna - to be wed, bonded, whatever you want to call it.  Ai laik yours, yu are ain, feva (I am yours, you are mine, forever)." I gave her a small smile, "Nothing can separate us, in this life or the next."

She nods, seeming reassured.  "Alright." She let out another, this time softer, breath.  "Any questions before I start?"

I wasn't sure whether she was buying time or just wanted to know but I decided to give it to her.  "Yesterday you seemed...  calm almost, about it.  Like it was nothing new to you." Okay so it wasn't much of a question, but I voiced it anyways.

She nods slowly, almost hesitantly.  "That's because I have had these before niron (loved one) and they're nothing new to me." She said softly.

I nodded, a shiver running down my back.

She let out something akin to a sigh and nodded to herself, "They didn't start until Lexa came to Polis.  After that I was so scared for her, for her future, that I stopped trying.  During this time, at night, I started having these...  attacks, almost.  At first, they were random.  Then they became regular, coming every night.  Every night I would sneak out of where the Natblidas (Nightbloods) slept and go into a room across from it.  There I would have the attack and just sleep." She paused, looking up at me almost fearfully.

I nodded, squeezing her hand in reassurance.

"I do not mean to justify my actions, as there is no way to, but I believe it might have been part of the reason I started with the name calling on Lexa."

I nodded again.

"The night before the Conclave I had one that was worse than most.  But, when it got to where I would have to fight Lexa, I had the worst one that I've ever had." A shudder ran through her and I scooted closer, allowing her comfort if she needed it.

She let out another breath and continued, "After I recovered from the attack, I fled.  When I found Floukru and they took me in, they stopped for the most part.  On a random day I had one and my houmon (husband/spouse) found me," She shuddered and I frowned, "he tried to help like he always did but it didn't work, it only made it worse."

I nodded, abandoning holding her hand and wrapping my arm around her to pull and hold her close.

"After the attack on my village they began to return regularly at night.  I decided to come to Polis and then," She shook her head as if puzzled, "They just stopped."

My brows furrowed, "Then what about yesterday?" I asked softly.

She let out a breath, "When I was waiting for you, I allowed myself to be afraid that when you found your necklace you would realize what - or even who - you were saying yes to.  I got so scared that it happened."

I nodded, kissing the top of her head softly, "Thank you, for trusting me enough to tell me." I said softly.

She nodded.

"And Luna?"

She looked up at me, almost seeming fearful.

"I love you, now and forever.  I don't need some engagement or marriage to tell me that we're in this forever, in this life and the next.  We're in this together, there is no way I could say no to you." I said softly,

She smiles, "I love you too, now and forever." She murmurs softly, snuggling closer.

"I managed an excuse last night for dinner but I don't think they'll buy us missing breakfast." I said after a couple minutes of content silence.

She hums and nods agreement, "We should go."