When?

7. "You'd find a way to rid yourself of it."

Life went on. That was what I had always told myself. That was what I kept telling myself as Louis drove me around town, passing by her house. What I told myself when I was sitting with Louis and his friends and I still couldn’t stop missing her. What I told myself when Liam; Louis’ friend called his girlfriend drunkenly, and that night came to mind. Every blonde I passed by in the street reminded me of her, every pair of hazel eyes somehow resembled her own but never as sparkly, never as warm, every female figure reminded me of her in a way. God, I thought I was going absolutely mad. But, life went on, right? I couldn’t dwell over her forever. I had to move on. I had to work on my own life, fix my own self. Yes, that was exactly what I was doing. So why did I feel like I’m breaking to smaller pieces with every passing day? Why did I not feel any better?

Louis called mum and told her that I was still alive and that she had no reason to panic since I hadn’t been answering her calls. I hadn’t been answering any calls really, because I kept waiting for that ringtone; her ringtone, which never came. I didn’t call either, I never tried again. I feared hearing his voice yet again and not being able to talk to her, it would have opened wounds that I still hadn’t closed, and to be honest, my heart couldn’t have possibly broken any further. But mostly, I didn’t want to hurt her. As much as I wanted her to remember any good thing I had ever done for her, I wanted her to forget me all together. I just couldn’t bear the thought of causing her any pain.

Every night, I’d take off my reading glasses which reminded me of her because she had always made fun of them, and I’d put down my book which also reminded me of her because it was her recommendation, and I’d put my headphones in and listen to music which would remind me of her because hell that was her playlist. And I’d find myself wondering, how was the loss of someone I never even had so destructive? And that made me think, what if I had had her, then what? What would her loss would have done to me then? What was there left that wasn’t ripped apart? Absolutely nothing.

“ Harry, do you need me to come over? You don’t sound so good.”

“ I am fine, mum. Louis is staying with me, and I’m doing well.”

“ I called Judy to ask about you-” And that was when I stopped hearing. Here it was, back again, attacking me with all its weapons. The pain was ruthless, unbearable at times. I swallowed, attempting to stabilize my breathing.

“ What did she tell you?” The question slipping past my lips before I could process it.

“ Nothing, really, she told me she was out of town with her boyfriend, and she said not to worry because whatever it was that was bugging you, you’d find a way to rid yourself of it.” Ouch. She thought I got rid of her?

“ Mum do me a favor, don’t call her again, yeah?” I didn’t know why this was my first thought, but it was. I didn’t want my mum pushing Judith into talking to her. I didn’t want Judith to feel like she needed to nurse me even after we had gone our separate ways. I didn’t want to know of what had happened between us both, because it was my loss to bear, not hers, not anyone’s. Just mine.

“ But I always talk to Judith, Harry, what changed now? Did I embarrass you or something?” I closed my eyes shut, frustrated by the situation I found myself in.

“ Mum, just, please, do it for me. No questions. Please.” I couldn’t talk about it anymore. I couldn’t talk about her or else I’d find myself a sobbing ball.

“ If you’re fighting or something, it’ll work out eventually, son, you and Judy can never stay mad at one another for long.” The hope in her voice, the giggle she let out probably remembering our previous minor fights, it was all unbearable for me. I couldn’t take it anymore. My panicked eyes began searching for Louis, until I found him in the kitchen. Silently, I handed him the phone, shaking my head in defeat.

“ Hey, mama Anne, no, don’t worry, Harry’s fine. Someone just came to the door and he went to see who, so he gave me the phone. Yes, yes, I’m taking care of him. Her too.” I heard his voice distancing, as I went into my room. I laid on my bed, drowning in an ocean of conflicting emotions, unable to tame them nor swim along. I was suffocating, and she was the only way for me to breathe.  So I took my pillow, burying my face into it, as I screamed. I screamed until I had no voice left for me to. I screamed until the agony I was feeling was shared with the entire world. I screamed until she heard what her loss had done to me.

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A/N: Next chapter, we'll have Judith's POV, so that should be fun, haha, anyways, please tell me what you think and if you comment, I'll dedicate the next chapter to you x