When?

23. The way her kiss did.

A/N: Early update because you guys rock! I worked really hard on this chapter so I hope you like it as much as I do :) this story is coming to an end pretty soon, so vote and comment for early updates and tell me what you want to see happen x

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Harry

Another nightmare. Another scream for help. Another night she spent, holding me in her arms until I could breathe again. Another night with Louis rushing into my room in sheer panic. And she continued to slip away. And I was always too late.

“ This nightmare was awful, Judith. She was gone. Mum was gone, and I kept calling for her, and she just wouldn’t answer. She disappeared and I was left alone in a dark place, and it was- God, can you imagine? Mum, being gone, that was mortifying.” I’d choke out, just as she pulled me into her arms, holding on to me for dear life. And I’d feel her crying against me but I’d be too consumed by the thought that was too real to be a simple nightmare, yet too painful to be accepted as reality.

“ I am so sorry, Harry,  but this isn’t a nightmare. It’s real. It’s- she’s gone, and I am so fucking sorry.” She’d barely get those words out, before falling into sobs, but her grip would never falter, and her apologies would never seethe, until I had fallen back into disturbing sleep. And I’d tremble and shake, fall apart to no end, and she’d be there to put me back together, to stitch my one too many pieces back together. She’d try to fix me, and I remembered all that time ago, when she was the one who was broken, and I tried, and tried to fix her, until finally, I gave up. Or maybe she did. Either ways, she was left incomplete, unfixable. And I wondered, when would she finally give up on me too? When would she realize that perhaps I wasn’t worthy of her effort, that maybe, just maybe, I was never meant to be fixed.

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“ Here you go, Harry.” She said, resting the tray of food in front of me, a tireless smile on her lips. She looked specifically beautiful today, in her grey baggy shorts, and her pink tank top. Her hair was pulled backwards, giving perfect access to every minor feature of hers.

“ Do you need anything else?” You. I so desperately wanted to tell her that I needed her to stay. I needed her to hold me because that was the only time when I felt something other than the hollowness within me. I needed her to kiss me because I had spent nights and nights dreaming of how sensational it would feel. I needed her to tell me that everything would be alright, because that was the only way for me to ever believe me. I needed her to tell me that I wasn’t a complete and utter mess, and that indeed, she loved me even half as much as I loved her.

“ Harry?” Her voice cut through my train of thoughts, tenderly flinching me back to reality.

“ Are you okay?” She asked, putting a hand on my cheek, bringing my eyes to meet hers.

“ I – I need to, I need to talk to you.” The words escaped my mouth before I had time to process them. She nodded, sitting down in front of me, and I didn’t know what to say. How could I tell her that she was all I ever thought about, that I was completely and utterly in love with her, yet, I could never be with her? I could never be with her because too much had happened, and I now had even less to give compared to what I used to had a week ago, which still wouldn’t have been enough. How could I tell her that I had never been so conflicted because I loved her almost as much as I hated everything she did to me. How could I say that she was no good for me, yet, I wanted it to be her? I would always want it to be her.  How could I tell her that I couldn’t properly grieve my mum’s loss because her presence blurred my mind and I couldn’t think nor feel straight? I wanted her to go, yet, I didn’t know if I could possibly survive without her. Her presence had been the only thing keeping me sane and I couldn’t afford to lose that just yet. But that very same presence had been what was driving me absolutely mad and I didn’t know how she could be my medicine and my poison all at once.

“ I don’t understand.” Was the first thing that went past my lips.

“ What don’t you understand?” As soothing as her voice was, it was unnerving.

“ I am supposed to hate you. I am supposed to not want to be around you. You’re not supposed to be so fucking kind and caring. You’re supposed to not care-“

“ I’ve always cared, Harry.”

“ Let me finish.” I demanded.                                                            

“ This isn’t supposed to happen, Judith. My mum isn’t supposed to be gone so soon, so suddenly. I am not supposed to have to deal with two major losses at the same time, I mean, losing you was bad enough, but now losing her too? It just- this isn’t how I pictured it to be. Nothing is working, and nothing is making sense, and I am so fucking exhausted. I hate how I still love you. I hate how you, just now, decided to say it to me. And I hate how I don’t believe it even though I desperately want to.” My eyes rose from the ground, to meet her sad, hazel ones. The smile which had been prominent on her lips had faded, being replaced by unfallen tears, unspoken of sadness, and an inevitable frown.

“ I hate you, Judith. I hate you for what you’ve done to me and to yourself and to everyone who ever gave a fuck. But I can’t not love you. I can’t deny how I can’t sleep except in your arms. I can’t deny how you remind me so much of her and everything she had resembled to me. God, this is fucked up. The one person who can possibly heal me, is the one who breaks me. And I can’t- I can’t deal with all of this because you, being here, is blurring everything for me, Judith.” I frantically stood from the comfort of my bed, running a hand through my hair, roughly pulling at the roots.

“ If you want me to go, I’ll- I’ll go, Harry, I don’t want to hurt you. I just couldn’t imagine leaving you to handle it all by yourself, I couldn’t stay away, and I’m sorry, but if you don’t want me around, you’ll never have to see me again, and-“ And my lips crashed into hers, throwing her back onto the bad, my body hovering above hers. And nothing, nothing, had ever felt me feel it all at once, the way her kiss did.