When?

17. "This can't be my fault."

A/N: A double update, yay! You are just beyond awesome and i love you all so so much! hope you enjoy this half as much as I did, an intense chapter (with language so be careful) again, thanks for everything x

___________________________________________________________

Harry

 

The rage didn’t subside, it only grew. The sound of her sobs fed it, strengthened it, and I could have sworn I was about to explode. I was still at the front porch of my house, unable to move forward, nor return to the trap she now resembled to me.

“ I was about to come looking for you,” Louis said, as I continued to pace the floor, shaking my head at the loss dawning on me. That was what it was. Absolute and utter loss.

“ She’s not crying anymore, or at least, I think she isn’t. I had to leave the room because I was going fucking nuts up there.” He ran a hand through his messy hair, pulling at it slightly.

“ She doesn’t get to do that. She shouldn’t do that.” I hissed, in a tone, that I would never label as my own.

“ Shouldn’t do what?” A frown creased his forehead, as he directed his attention towards me.

“ She shouldn’t cry. She doesn’t have the right to. She is the one who fucked it all up, she is the one who ruined herself and took us with her. She doesn’t get to grieve over a loss that she caused.” This couldn’t possibly be me talking. That didn’t sound remotely like me. That mentality, wasn’t my own.

“ Woah, what are you talking about? Yeah, I know she made tons of mistakes, but you can’t simply blame her for it all.”

“ Yes, I can.” I yelled, or at least I thought that was what yelling sounded like?

“ Yes, I can, because if it isn’t her fault, then whose is it? If it isn’t her fault, then it’s mine, and it isn’t my fucking fault, Louis. I – I tried to help her, I tried to be there for her and be the friend she needed me to be. I tried to fix her, God knows how hard I tried to fix her, so this isn’t my fault. This can’t be my fault.” I must have sounded like a lunatic, putting a hand to my heart because it physically ached, the other hand moving in rage along with every other part of my body. Louis’ eyes were wide, as if he almost couldn’t identify me. Hell, I couldn’t even identify myself any longer. I felt like crying, screaming and cursing all at once.

“ Harry-“ Louis started, approaching me.

“ Don’t.” I threatened. I was toxic, destructive even, and he needed to be as far away from me as possible. I couldn’t ruin him too.

“ Harry, what’s happening? Calm down, breathe-“

“ I can’t. I can’t fucking breathe, and I don’t know what’s wrong.” I was now beating against my chest, wanting it to stop hurting, or stop all together. I bent down, attempting to take any air in, but it wasn’t working. Nothing was working. I was a coughing mess.

“ What the fuck, Harry, what the hell is wrong?” Louis was panicked now, as he bent down to be on the same level as I was, his hand massaging my back.

“ I have to talk to her. I have to see her.” I staggered through my way up to her room, Louis right behind me for my support.

“ Are you alright, mate?” Zayn questioned, his eyes scanning my collapsing figure. I moved past him. I moved past them all, and into her room, where I finally felt like breathing wasn’t so impossible.