When?

11. "I come in peace?"

Judith

I cried. I cried for what felt like an eternity. I cried till my eyes could no longer remained opened. I cried till I lost my voice from how muffled my sobs had been. I cried because I missed him. I cried because I needed him. I cried because I didn’t know who I was without him, didn’t know what to do with all of this, because he wasn’t there anymore. I cried because Louis was right; I would end up dead and alone, and he wouldn’t be there. And I didn’t blame him. How could I blame him when I was the one who pushed him away one too many times? How could I blame him when he stuck around for as long as he did? How could I blame him when it was all my fault? Everything that had ever gone wrong in my life or his own, was my fault. And that why I cried.

Laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, not falling apart by Maroon 5 playing at the background, as I remembered it all. Every mistake I had ever made, every breakdown, every apology, every heartbreak. I searched for the point when it all went downhill for me, and then I realized that my entire life had been one long journey to hell. A knock on the door flinched me back to reality, I groaned, not finding it in me to rise from my seat and actually be around people.

“ Open up, Judith. It’s me.” My previous irritation reformed into sheer panic when I heard Louis’ voice call for me. Every time I heard his voice, those words came rushing back to mind, suffocating me, pushing me off the edge.

“ I come in peace?” I could hear the nervousness in his joking tone, causing a cautious smile to form onto my lips, as I rose from my seat, to open the door.

“ Are you here to give it to me again?” I half teased, causing him to chuckle lowly, letting himself in before sitting on the couch.

“ No, no, I am done. I just wanted to talk to you, a little one on one conversation, no yelling, nothing. Just talking.” I nodded, sitting next to him, but keeping a fair distance between us both.

“I heard you say you needed me now

What’s the problem I can’t see

You destroyed me, I won’t fall apart again

I’m not falling apart”

He sang my favorite lyrics of the song, his eyes scanning my features, to find the sadness that I could no longer hide, as I closed my eyes shut, imprisoning the tears forming behind my eyelids. He cleared his throat, his eyes falling to the ground, pretending as if he hadn’t seen it all.

“ Look, I should apologize for what I said last time, but I won’t, Judith, because you know it was true, and I said it with the best intentions. I didn’t say it to hurt you or to fuck with your head, I said it because for the 5 years since I knew Harry, you two had been inseparable,  and he never once complained about you being a stuck up bitch, or for taking him for granted, or for belittling him. Not once, Judith, and then this happened, and he’s fucked up. The most normal person I knew, is now, more fucked up than I am, so excuse me, but what I said was nothing compared to what I had in mind. I know this might seem unfair to you since I still don’t know what the hell happened, but I hate seeing Harry the way he is now, more shut down than ever, always frightened, indecisive, uncommunicative, always zoning out, it’s almost as if he’s not there, and I can’t help but think that you did that to him.” He stopped to take a breath, and to examine my state of mind which had never been so vulnerable.

“ But I can see that you’re not any better either, so what’s the fucking point, Judith? Why don’t you just go up to him, and hug him better, and go back to being best friends? Why not at least, answer your goddamn phone?”

My phone.

I didn’t even know where that was.

Did that mean that he called me? After all that had happened, he called me?

My eyes widened in questioning, and as if Louis could read my mind, he put me to rest.

“ Yes, he called you last night after I told him what happened at the bar. He called you more than five times. He wanted to come over, but I stopped him.” I nodded, because at that point, the unfamiliar ache had taken over all my senses, leaving me paralyzed.

“ I couldn’t risk him coming here and seeing you the way you were last night, Judith, God knows what would have happened to him then.” And that was when the tears came rushing down, occasional sobs going past my lips, as I buried my face shamefully into my hand.

“ Jesus, Judith, I didn’t mean it like that, I – I’m sorry, just please, stop crying.” I shook my head, because I knew that I would never be able to stop. That grief was never ending. That loss was immortal.

“ I love him.” My head was jammed with thoughts, memories, and regrets, my heart was breaking into a thousand pieces, and I didn’t know how, but the confession was overpowering me, and I had no control over it. I didn’t know which part of me that decided to confess it all, maybe it was every part of me that wanted so desperately to confess it, even if only to myself. As if I didn’t need to say anything, because it was more than what Louis ever expected to hear, before I was wrapped into his arms. He smelled like Harry; cologne, old books, and chocolate. I found myself sinking further into the sanctuary his resemblance to Harry offered, and it all leaked through me, and I stood powerless, watching it all fade away into my sobs that filled the air.

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A/N: Hey there, we're more than half way through and I'm very proud of this story and of your response, which I hope would still keep coming :) Can we get to 200 reads before I update again? I sure hope so, don't forget to comment and tell me what you think!