When?

14. "I am always what goes wrong, Harry."

A/N: A bit of an adult content, but not too much. This is one of my favorite chapters, so I hope you like it as much as I do. The story is quickly coming to an end, so thank you guys for everything, ily. Don't forget to comment and I'll dedicate the next chapter to you :)

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Judith

I was there again. My shoulder brushing against Todd’s, his arm numbly laying on my lap, his chuckles filling my ears, as he continued to flirt with Tina. I didn’t want to fight. I was too consumed by my demons to find it in me. To have demons, you have to have angels though, right? But I didn’t. There was nothing good about me. There were no angels to my demons. I was all bad. A quote from my favorite book; Dear John, came to my blank mind.

“When I look in the mirror, I know I’m looking at someone who isn’t sure she deserves to be loved at all.”

I remembered when I used to read that quote to Harry, a frown would crease his forehead, and he’d sit up from his sleeping position, fix his glasses nervously, before bringing his emerald, green, eyes to meet my own.

“ Don’t read it like it means something to you, because it shouldn’t.” He’d say.

“ It does, in a way though, Harry. We both know nobody would ever handle all of my shit for long.” I’d say, a bitter smile on my lips.

“ I would. I would handle all your shit for the rest of my life. And I would never complain. You’re my best friend, Judith.” And I wouldn’t know what to do with the unfamiliar joy filling my heart, because deep down, I always believed him. And even though the curse word sounded so foreign coming from his mouth, and even though he immediately blushed at saying just that, I still believed him.

If I had let him, he would have taken it all and more. He never would have left. I was just too arrogant to handle his rejection, too scared of my dependence on him. I learned to never base my life upon someone, and Harry was the core of my life. He was what I revolved around, what I lived for.

The drugs were running through my veins, as I waited for the highness to take me away, to erase his picture from my mind, to make me forget all the memories that were playing in front of my drunken eyes. I retrieved my phone from my pocket, my fingers dialing the number they knew by heart. One ring. Two rings. And I found myself thinking, was he now listening to my ringtone? Was he contemplating whether to answer me or not? Was his heart pounding? Were his hands sweating? Did he have to put on his glasses to make sure that he wasn’t just imagining it all? Or did he simply silence his phone and throw it away when he saw my name? Did he still have my number? Did he still remember me? Suddenly, my intoxication was invaded by anxiety, as I hung up, burying the phone back into my pocket, attempting to stabilize my breathing. I needed more drugs. I needed more vodka. I needed the numbness back. I turned to Todd, who was ready with the syringe and the shots. He was always ready, that Todd. Soon enough, I was back among the clouds, feeling a deceiving happiness. And that was when his ringtone filled my ears. I know you care by Ellie Goulding. That was his name. This was his number. I put the phone to my ear, unable to form any audible words.

“ Judith, you called me, is- is there something wrong?” The concern was still laced on his tone, the all too familiar nervousness was evident. And it felt as if time hadn’t passed, only it had. As if we hadn’t changed, only we had.

“ Judith?” And my name had never sounded as beautiful, and his voice had never made me as warm.

“ Where are you? Did something happen with Todd? Are you on something?” Was I on something? I was on everything. But I didn’t need Harry to know that.

“ You sound good.” My slurring voice was unfamiliar as it fell upon my own ears before his.

“ Judith,” And the disappointed sigh that followed my name, revealed that he knew.

“ Louis told you, didn’t he?” I hated how his voice was bringing me back to consciousness, to feeling.

“ He didn’t have to. Your voice said it all.”

“ I’m sorry, you know.” I could hear his gulp, attempting to swallow the lump that probably formed in his throat.

“ For what?”

“ For fucking you up. You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve any of the shit I threw your way. You didn’t deserve to have me in your life, Harry, you deserved better.”

“ I wanted you in my life, Judith. And stop talking about yourself as if you’re some kind of curse, as if you’re what went wrong.”

“ Isn’t that true though? I am always what goes wrong, Harry, you should know that by now.”

“ No, that’s not true. I never once regretted meeting you, Judith. I – I would never take any of it back.”

“ Well, I would.” And I meant it in the kindest way possible, I would take it all back if I could, just to keep it all away from him.

“ You would take it back? Being friends with me? Opening up to me? Would you take our friendship back, if you could, Judith?” The hurt behind his voice sobered me up completely, and I was immediately searching for release.

“ Yes, I would. Because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Harry, and I fucked you up. You gave and you gave and I continued to take until there was nothing left. So yes, if I could take it back, I would, because I wanted you to be whole, and happy, and alive, and you would never be any of that, and it’s all because of me.” Crying; something that I had been doing quite frequently lately.

“ D- don’t cry, and don’t say that-“ And I didn’t want him attempting to make me feel better. I didn’t want him to console me. I didn’t want him to give again.

“ No, Harry. I’m sorry I called. Todd is calling for me anyway.” But he wasn’t.

“ Take care, yeah? Please, just, pretend this never happened, and forget, Harry. Please, forget.” With that, I hung up, turning to Todd, who had a smirk plastered across his face.

“ I want more.” I demanded, and he quickly obliged, putting a ribbon above my shoulder, before inserting the syringe, and the intoxication wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I hoped it would be. I laid myself on his lap, my chest aggressively hitting his, as my lips crashed into his own. He smelled of smoke, and vodka. I felt the disgust under my skin, and I could have thrown up, if I had allowed myself to. I couldn’t bare his touch, I couldn’t take his breath fanning my face. It was all excruciating. And that was another reason why I allowed him to deepen the kiss, to run his hands along my sides, and touch me at all the wrong places. I wanted to suffer. I deserved to.